A Good Old Fashioned Parody
by truetabularasa
Summary: Bringing back the age old LOTR movie parodies, although this is from the extended version of the movies
1. Prologue: One Ring to Rule Them All

**Disclaimer: I don't own The Lord of the Rings. Oh well!**

**A/N: I decided to do the renowned Lord of the Rings parodies while watching said movies. They're movie based, obviously, and since I do this literally scene by scene, some may be incredibly short, and incredibly boring. These are also based off of the EXTENDED version of all three movies, so some stuff may be unfamiliar. Such as chapter 2. **

**Prologue: One Ring to Rule Them All…**

The scene opens with darkness and creepy music. Suddenly, a random woman starts the voice-over.

GALADRIEL: I amar prestar aen… The world is changed. Han mathon ne nen…I see it in the water.  
Han mathon ne chae… I feel it in the Earth. A han noston ned gwilith. I smell it in the air...That's strange. I'm merely repeating myself in both Elvish and English. Ah well. Much that once was is lost. For all beings are growing more and more careless. Three were given to the elves, immortal, wisest, and snobbiest of all beings.

Three ELVES gaze IN WONDER at their RINGS OF POWER.

GALADRIEL: Why do I get one? I'm not an elfin lord…

CIRDAN: YAY! My five seconds of fame!

GIL-GALAD: I'm gonna die!

GALADRIEL: Seven to the Dwarf lords, the gold diggers.

DWARF LORDS: HOOZAH!

GALADRIEL: And nine, nine rings were given to men, who above all else, desire doughnuts…yum…

MEN: Now we can have all the doughnuts we want!

GALADRIEL: For within each ring was bound the strength and will to govern each governor. Lord over each Ring. Be present before each president. But they were all deceived. Lied to. Tricked. Swindled. Betrayed. Et cetera et cetera. Another ring was made.

SAURON is STANDING on the CRACK of DOOM, trying on his new RING.

SAURON: Hehe, I'll show them. Those silly little elves with their silly little songs and poems, and those stupid dwarves and their gold necklaces, gold bracelets, gold swords, and gold bootlaces. And those men, don't make me laugh. All they ever want is power. Power and those damn doughnuts.

GALADRIEL: In the land of Murder, in the fires of Mount Boom, the Dark Sex God, er, I mean, Dark Lord, Sauron, forged a master ring, to control all others. And into this ring he poured his frivolity, his chalice, and his will to dominate all strife. "One Bling to Rule Them All."  
SAURON begins his DOMINATION.

VILLAGERS: AHH! FLEE! RUN!

In the DISTANCE, a MONSTER in a SAILOR'S CAP was stomping on all BUILDINGS, SMILING the whole TIME. The STAYPUFF MARSHMALLOW MAN.

GALADRIEL: Two by two, the free lands of Middle-earth boarded the ark. But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of Men and Elves marched against the armies of Murder.

LAST ALLIANCE OF MEN AND ELVES: Left, left, left right left. Left, left, left right left. Left, left, left right left. Left, left, left right left. Lef-

ORCS: SHUT UP!

And so, the ORCS proceeded to kick some SERIOUS LAST ALLIANCE OF MEN AND ELVES BEHIND.

ELROND: FIRE! Wait, why am _I _leading this stupid fight? I'm not even the leader!

The FRONT LINE of ELVES FIRES at the FRONT LINE of ORCS.

ELVES: STRIKE! WOO HOO!

ORCS: Ow…

The ELVES proceed to DRAW their SWORDS.

SWORDS: SWOOSH!

ELVES: Aren't we cool?

RANDOM MAN: WE'RE WINNING!

GALADRIEL: Victory was near. But the power of the ring could not be undone.

RANDOM MAN: Crap.

SAURON: I'm cooler than all of you.

SAURON swings his MACE around with glee.

SAURON: WOOOO! THIS IS BETTER THAN DAY TIME TELEVISION!

ORCS: Huh?

SAURON: Nevermind.

SAURON then SWINGS his MACE and Elendil, the RANDOM MAN mentioned earlier, goes a-flying to his DEATH.

ELENDIL: OW!

ISILDUR: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

GALADRIEL: It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the king, took up his father's, or the king's SWORD.

ELENDIL: Hey, I'm not dead yet.

ISILDUR promptly STABS him.

ISILDUR: Oh, woe is me. Now I must be made king. What a terrible way to become king.

He goes to STAB SAURON, but Sauron STEPS on the SWORD, BREAKING it.

SAURON: Sucker.

ISILDUR: Grr.

In a fit of RAGE, ISILDUR cuts the FINGER bearing the RING from SAURON'S HAND.

SAURON: DAMMIT!

SAURON proceeds to IMPLODE.

RANDOM ELF: I don't know what's going on. Oh well. I'll just nod and look like I know what the hell is going on.

GALADRIEL: Sauron, the enemy of the free-idiots of Middle-earth, was defeated. The ring passed to Isildur, who was promptly corrupted, which, of course, no one even saw coming.

ISILDUR bears the RING to his death. In other words, he shouldn't have WORN it OUTSIDE his ARMOR. Idiot KING. Of course, he TRIES to BRAVELY FLEE the BATTLE, but the RING, who never LIKED BETRAYERS, SLIPS OFF HIS FINGER.

RING: Hehe…

GALADRIEL: History became legend, legend became mythological, and for two thousand five hundred years, the Ring passed out of all human knowledge. The fish, on the other hand…Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer.

Or, RATHER, the BEARER ENSNARED IT.

GOLLUM: Now, what should we name you, precioussssssssssssss?

GALADRIEL: Unfortunately for us all, it fell into the hands of the creature Gollum, who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains. And there, it consumed him. Or, tried to.

RING: Yuck. Note to self: Five hundred year old hobbit type thing tastes like overdone lava.

GOLLUM: It came to me, my own, my love, my prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrecioussssssssssssss.

GALADRIEL: He wasn't in the least bit obsessed. Really. Anyways. The ring brought to Gollum unnatural long life. Because Elbereth knows he was no elf. Eventually though, rumor grew of a shadow in the east, whispers of a nameless fear.

NAMELESS FEAR: Boo.

WHISPERERS: Ahh.

GALADRIEL: The Ring of Power deceived..or..perceived. Ah to hell with it. It perceived it's time had now come. That's one smart cook-er-ring. It abandoned Gollum, and left for someone far softer. But something happened the Ring did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable.

BILBO: What's this?

RING: Didn't see that coming.

GALADRIEL: A hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, of The Shire.

BILBO: It's Balin's birthday next week…this is perfect.

GALADRIEL: You need not ask if Balin ever received this ring, for if he did, there wouldn't be a movie.BALIN: I was supposed to get a ring. DEATH TO BILBO!

GALADRIEL: Time will soon come when Hobbits will set the fortunes of us all.

-SCENE-

**A/N: Yeah, that one wasn't exactly funny, but don't worry, it gets better. And in case you didn't notice, this one was very word for word, on Galadriel's part anyway. Don't worry, that won't last long. I also should've mentioned at the beginning that the inspiration for these parodies came not only from the movies themselves, but also Zephdae's LOST: Parodies of the Complete First Season. Any LOST fans should read those, as they are the verifiable work of a genius. So, please, REVIEW!**


	2. Concerning Hobbits

**A/N: Yep, I'm back! Yet again, this one isn't laugh out loud funny, but don't worry, I'll get there. Also, a note that both scene one and this one are different in the extended version. I didn't play on that in scene one, but this next scene isn't even in the film version. Enjoy!**

**Concerning Hobbits**

The first thing we is after the illuminating PROLOGUE, is a MAP.

MAP: You are here: in Bag End, Bagshot Row, Hobbiton, the Westfarthing, in The Shire, which just so happens to be in Middle-earth. It is the 22nd day of September in the year 1400, in the Third Age of the world.

Apparently, this is a very SMART MAP.

BILBO: Of course it's a smart map. It's in my home, and is therefore wise, special, and just a little eccentric.

TITLE: THE FELLOWSHIP/COMPANIONSHIP/CAMARADERIE/COMRADESHIP/FRIENDSHIP/FRIE-

AUDIENCE: ALRIGHT ALREADY!

TITLE: of the Ring.

The CAMERA pans around a CORNER, where BILBO is revealed SITTING at a DESK.

BILBO: Hello. It's story time boys and girls! This story is entitled, There and Back Again, a Hobbit's Tale, by Bilbo Baggins.

J.R.R TOLKIEN: Plagiarism!

BILBO TURNS A PAGE in his BOOK and MUSES where to BEGIN.

BILBO: Where to begin…where to begin…ah yes…"Concerning Hobbits"

AUDIENCE: Whoa, that's _so _the name of this scene.

BILBO: Hobbits have been living and farming in the Four Farthings of the Shire for many hundreds of years. Quite content to ignore and BE ignored.

Which is PRECISELY what the VIEWERS are doing to BILBO. He was NEVER a GREAT STORY-TELLER.

BILBO: Hobbits must seem of little importance, being neither renowned as great warriors-

RANDOM HOBBIT: ZZZZZzzzZZ

BILBO: Nor counted among the very wise.

RANDOM HOBBIT #2: There was something in my ear, then I got it out, and now it's stuck on my finger.

At this point, BILBO PAUSES in his STORY-TELLING to have a QUIET chuckle.

BILBO: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Snort, cackle, guffaw!

He SLIPS out of his chair and starts beating the floor with his FISTS.

DOOR: KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

BILBO: Oh dear, there's someone at the door. Since I'm too lazy to answer it, I'll just yell for Frodo to answer. FRODO! Get the damn door!

FRODO, who was in the PROCESS of leaving anyways, quietly SCURRIES back to his room, and leaves via the WINDOW.

BILBO: In fact, it has been remarked by some that Hobbits' only real passion is for food, a rather unfair observation, as we have also developed a keen interest in the brewing of ales.

APPARENTLY, Bilbo does not REALIZE that ALE can be CONSIDERED FOOD.

RANDOM HOBBIT LADY: Give me a kissy-poo!

RANDOM HOBBIT MAN: Uh, I don't really like you in tha-oh food!

BILBO: But, of course, all Hobbits share a love of things that grow.

SAM: I am random!

MEANWHILE, HOBBITS plan BILBO'S BIRTHDAY PARTY, which is UNFAIR, seeing as how it's BILBO'S party, and he's inside writing a stupid BOOK.

BILBO: It is no bad thing to celebrate a simple life.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, but not plan it, huh?

The DOOR is once again, BANGED UPON.

BILBO: FRODO! I TOLD YOU TO GET THE DOOR!

FRODO is currently running away, GIGGLING to himself at how clever he was at EVADING the BILBO BAGGINS FANCLUB.

-Scene-

**A/N: Well, I'm once again, not so sure about this chapter. Bilbo said a lot of things word for word from the movie, but I was otherwise more pleased at how it went. At least from the last chapter, although it was shorter. The whole Frodo thing was just spur of the moment, and I am rather proud of that statement. Well, REVIEW and tell me how it went!**


	3. The Shire

**A/N: Yep, I'm baack! This is one thing that I've become really excited about, which is causing me to write a chapter per day. Once school starts in a couple of weeks then the chapters will come less frequently.**

**The Shire**

FRODO, after succeeding in saving himself from the BILBO BAGGINS FAN CLUB, CELEBRATES his victory underneath a tree with his favorite book, THERE AND BACK AGAIN, A HOBBITS TALE, THE EXTENDED VERSION. He had NICKED it from BILBO'S room. Just as he was getting to the good part, he was interrupted by a rather bad SINGER.

RATHER BAD SINGER: She had it coming, she had it coming, she only had herself to blame, if you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it, I betcha you would have done the sa-FRODO! Dear bo-er-hobbit!

FRODO: Twitch, twitch.

The RATHER BAD SINGER, hereafter known as GANDALF, looks at his watch; a ROLEX.

GANDALF: Ah, I arrived right on time.

FRODO: No you didn't.

GANDALF: Yes I did. I arrived precisely at 8:15.

FRODO: Yes, but you were supposed to arrive at 8:15 _yesterday._

GANDALF: The matter of days is not important when one is an all knowing, all powerful wizard.

FRODO, clearly realizing that GANDALF is OFF HIS ROCKER, starts LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

FRODO: Can I hitch a ride, Gandalf?

Before GANDALF can ANSWER, FRODO LEAPS into the CART, which GANDALF just so happened to be DRIVING.

FRODO: Is this a scale cart?

GANDALF: I can't tell you that.

FRODO: Darn.

GANDALF: So, how is you're dear Uncle Bilbo?

FRODO: Drunk

GANDALF: Ah.

Apparently, BILBO had a problem not even TOLKIEN knew about.

FRODO: Half the Shire's been invited to Bilbo's b-day party. It's not fair. Everyone seems to have forgotten that it's MY birthday too.

GANDALF: It is? Happy birthday.

BILBO: Psh, no one cares. Yes, I'm back. You didn't think you'd get rid of my annoying voice-overing that easily did you?

AUDIENCE: Well, we can always hope.

BILBO: Bah. I am immortal. There will always be a Baggins living here!

Meanwhile, FRODO is still in the cart with GANDALF.

FRODO: Bilbo's been acting odd lately.

GANDALF: Mor-

FRODO: More than usual. He's taken to locking himself in his study. He spends hours and hours pouring over old maps when he thinks I'm not looking.

GANDALF: What do you do, spy on him?

FRODO: Sometimes.

Back at BAG END, BILBO goes frantic looking for something. What this SOMETHING is, we don't know. Could it be his sacred bottle of RUM, perhaps, or, maybe, his favorite RING?

BILBO finds what he's looking for. It is the RING. Of course.

FRODO: Are you hiding something from me Gandalf.

GANDALF: No, no, of course not.

GANDALF promptly CROSSES his FINGERS.

FRODO: All right, keep your secrets. But I know you have something to do with it.

GANDALF: Really? And how do you figure that?

FRODO: You always have something to do with it.

GANDALF: Oh really? Name one time.

FRODO: Well, there was the incident with the dragon. And then there was the time Pippin's nose grew longer each time he lied. And when Sam's garden was filled with an unusual amount of grass snakes. And remember when-

GANDALF: ALL RIGHT! You've made your point!

FRODO: You've been officially labeled a disturber of the peace.

GANDALF: Oh really.

FRODO: Yeah.

FRODO points out the label of GANDALF'S HAT. It reads, 'THIS HAT BELONGS TO THE DISTURBER OF THE PEACE'.

HOBBIT CHILDREN: GANDALF! FIREWORKS! GANDALF! FIREWORKS! GANDALF! BLOW YOURSELF UP WITH YOUR FIREWORKS!

GANDALF: Haha, ok!

GANDALF sets off FIREWORKS. KIDS BOO, because they wanted him to blow up.

GRUMPY HOBBIT MAN: HAHAHAHAHAHA! COOL!

GRUMPY HOBBIT WOMAN: Grr. I am grumpy.

GRUMPY HOBBIT MAN: Yea, me too…

FRODO: Gandalf, I'm glad you're back.

FRODO JUMPS out of the CART.

GANDALF: Me too…Frodo? Where'd you go?

-Scene-

**A/N: So, that was another scene! Um yeah, that one is also extended in the movie. So, tell me what you think!**


	4. Very Old Friends

**A/N: Yay. Originally, this wasn't going to be typed up today, but my schedule changed at the last minute. So, hooray for not going to some stupid orientation!**

**Very Old Friends**

When we last left GANDALF, he was going very SLOWLY in his stupid little CART. Now, he seems to have FAST-FORWARDED to BAG END.

GANDALF: WHOA HORSEY! STOP STOP!

The HORSE did not stop, but instead went FASTER, causing GANDALF to FALL OUT. He STANDS and STRAIGHTENS HIS HAT, looking around, HOPING no one saw this embarrassing tumble. They did. Or, at least, a couple did.

MERRY: HAHAHAHA! He fell down! HAHAHA

PIPPIN: HAHAHAHA! Even _I _don't fall out of a bloody CART!

And so on and so forth. GANDALF promptly WHACKED MERRY and PIPPIN about the head with his STAFF, causing them to SHUT UP.

GANDALF goes through the FRONT GATE, which bears a SIGN that reads "NO ADMITTANCE EXCEPT ON PARTY BUSINESS". This, as we already know, was very HYPOCRITICAL, seeing as how BILBO wasn't even PLANNING his stupid BOOZE-FEST…PARTY. Anyways, GANDALF KNOCKED on the door.

BILBO: NO THANK YOU! We don't want anymore visitors, well-wishers, or distant relations!

GANDALF: And what about very old friends?

BILBO OPENS the DOOR.

BILBO: That actually falls neatly into all three categories.

GANDALF: How?

BILBO is FLABBERGASTED.

BILBO: You really are stupid…

GANDALF: Why thank you…

BILBO: It's going to be a long night.

INSIDE BAG END.

BILBO: Do you want to have some of the Old Wineyard, laid down by my father?

GANDALF: Bilbo, you're one hundred and eleven years old, that would be very…er…ripe, wine.

BILBO: I know.

GANDALF: I'll just have tea.

BILBO RETREATS to his KITCHEN to make GANDALF TEA, and hopefully LACE it with some of the OLD WINEYARD, seeing as how WIZARDS are total LIGHT WEIGHTS. GANDALF EXAMINES BILBO'S STUDY.

GANDALF: I'm tall! Ouch. Really tall.

BILBO: Are you absolutely _sure_ you don't want the old wineyard? You could have everything!

GANDALF: Just tea.

BILBO: Darn.

By this time, it is obvious that BILBO doesn't like GANDALF. Maybe it has something to do with that DRAGON.

DOOR: Knock knock knock. 

BILBO is TERRIFIED.

BILBO: I'm not at home.

GANDALF: Yes you are.

BILBO: Shut up! No I'm not! It's the Bilbo Baggins Fan Club. They have a tendency to knock on the door and come in unexpectedly to steal relics of mine. Lobelia Sackville-Baggins is their leader.

BILBO SHUDDERS. He then WANDERS into the STUDY, and lets out an annoyed GROWL.

BILBO: They stole my map!

GANDALF hurriedly covers the MAP protruding from his robes.

GANDALF: Yes,_ they_ stole it. How awful.

BILBO then REMEMBERS his TEA/OLD WINEYARD. He hurriedly BUSTLES away. The sooner GANDALF is DEAD to the WORLD, in a MANNER OF SPEAKING, the better.

BILBO: I want to see mountains Gandalf. Don't you?

GANDALF: Not particularly, no. All that snow gets stuck in my beard. A fine sight. Saruman laughed himself silly last time I got stuck in Caradhras.

BILBO: Oh.

BILBO HANDS GANDALF HIS TEA. 

GANDALF: Do you mean to go through with your plan?

BILBO: Yes, hehe, yes I do.

GANDALF: Frodo suspects something.

BILBO: Yes, that plan. He's not a blockheaded Bracegirdle.

BRACEGIRDLES: HEY!

BILBO PAUSES.

BILBO: Gandalf…do you like butter?

GANDALF: I was always more partial to margarine myself.

BOTH: I can't believe it's not butter!

They both LAUGH.

LATER ON. BILBO and GANDALF are SITTING OUTSIDE, SMOKING. Apparently, they are both UNAWARE of how bad SMOKING is for your HEALTH. Or maybe they just don't CARE.

BILBO: Can I ask you something?

GANDALF: Anything.

BILBO: One, that was rhetorical, and two, how come you never drank your tea?

GANDALF MUSES.

GANDALF: I don't know…

BILBO blows a SMOKE RING.

BILBO: I'm so talented!

GANDALF: I can do so much better!

GANDALF blows a SMOKE DRAGON.

BILBO: This will be a night to remember.

GANDALF: Whatever you say…

-Scene-

**A/N: I did change a bit from the original movie. Like the whole boat thing. I just thought a boat was a bit…_boring_. And the whole Lobelia Sackville-Baggins bit was changed around. So, review!**


	5. A Long Expected Party

**A/N: So, another day, another chapter. I must warn you all that this is one of the chapters I had no idea how to parody, but I learned the hard way that it's best to just get it over with.**

**A Long-Expected Party**

FIREWORKS: BOOM!

MERRY: Here I am carrying a cake!

FRODO: I'm dancing!

PIPPIN: You call that dancing?

MERRY: Now I'm in the band! I learned to Apparate.

HARRY POTTER in a BRIEF CAMEO: Woah…

FRODO finishes EMBARRASSING HIMSELF and SITS next to SAM.

FRODO: Ask Lily for a dance!

SAM: Which Lily? The fat one with the hare lip, or the skinny, frail one.

FRODO: That second one wasn't even invited.

SAM: Good.

FRODO PUSHES SAM into a dancing HOBBIT-MAIDENS ARMS. FRODO LAUGHS, then REALIZES this wasn't LILY, but ROSIE. OOPS.

SAM: No, Frodo, I don't want to dance with…ooh, hello there. And what might your name be?

ROSIE: Hahaha, I'm having fun!

FRODO: Um, haha

GANDALF SETS OFF MORE FIREWORKS

FIREWORKS: BOOM

GANDALF: MY BEARD! It's on FIRE! AHHH!

GANDALF proceeds to dunk his HEAD into the barrel of ALE.

FIREWORKS: BOOM!

BILBO: STORY TIME!

AUDIENCE: Not again….

BILBO: There I was, at the mercy of three monstrous trolls! And they were all arguing amongst themselves about how they were going to cook us, whether it be turned on a spit or whether they should sit on us one by one and squash us into jelly. They spent so much time arguing the wither-tos and why-fors, that the sun's first light cracked over the top of the trees - poof!

HOBBIT CHILDREN: GASP!

BILBO: And turned them all to ice cream!

HOBBIT CHILDREN: Yum.

MERRY: Hi!

PIPPIN: I'm in a tent. Why, I'm not sure.

MERRY: Let's go set off fireworks. I'm sure Gandalf won't notice.

PIPPIN: Of course he won't notice! Last time I checked, he was busy with his head in the barrel of ale.

MERRY proceeds to THROW PIPPIN into a CART.

PIPPIN: I managed to stay in the cart. SO THERE!

MERRY: The big one! No, the bigger one! No you idiot, the only one that's NOT rectangular!

PIPPIN GRABS a FIREWORK.

MERRY: Mmm, apples.

MEANWHILE…

BILBO: Mrs Bracegirdle, how nice to see you! Welcome, welcome.

MRS. BRACEGIRDLE SLAPS BILBO.

GANDALF: And you thought she wouldn't remember you're comment about the blockheaded Bracegirdles.

BILBO: Er, are all these children yours? Who's the father?

MRS. BRACEGIRDLE: Um, Ted Sandyman, Meriadoc Brandybuck, Peregrin Took, Fro-

BILBO: How lovely.

He hurriedly USHERS MRS. BRACEGIRDLE away.

Suddenly, they are interrupted by SCREAMS.

FRODO: Bilbo! _Run!_

BILBO: It's the BILBO BAGGINS FAN CLUB!

BILBO'S EARS: Twitch, twitch.

BILBO and FRODO HIDE.

The BILBO BAGGINS FAN CLUB soon DISAPPEAR.

BILBO SIGHS in relief.

BILBO: I'm very selfish, you know.

FRODO: I know tha-

BILBO: Yes I am, and you can't change my mind!

FRODO: I was just agre-

BILBO: I don't know why I took you in after your mother and father died, but it wasn't out of charity.

FRODO: I'm not sure whether to be insulted or complimented.

BILBO: Hehe.

FRODO: Bilbo, have you been at the Gaffer's home brew?

BILBO: Er, do I have to answer that?

He takes a SIP of something, presumably ALE.

FRODO: I guess that answers my question.

BILBO: Where on Middle-earth did _this _come from?

FRODO SHRUGS.

PIPPIN: Remember us?

MERRY: We're lighting a firework! We're not supposed to, but of course, no one'll know it was us!

PIPPIN: We're stupid, because we're lighting it _inside _the tent.

MERRY: Oh, oops. Yeah Pip, it's all your fault.

PIPPIN: Actually it was your id-

MERRY: How could you be so stupid?

FIREWORK: BOOM!

MERRY, PIPPIN, the TENT, and the FIREWORK, all rise into the air.

HOBBITS: Ooh, ahh.

The FIREWORK takes shape of a DRAGON.

HOBBITS: IT'S A DRAGON! RUN!

FRODO: Never fear Bilbo! I will save you!

FRODO pushes BILBO into a TABLE.

BILBO: Thanks…

The FIREWORK/DRAGON EXPLODES.

MERRY and PIPPIN: Hehe.

GANDALF: Why do you always do this? It's dishwashing for you!

PIPPIN HITS MERRY.

MERRY: HEY! It was your idea.

PIPPIN ROLLS his EYES.

HOBBITS: SPEECH!

ALTHOUGH, in the BOOK, no one WANTED to HEAR the STUPID SPEECH.

BILBO: Oh no, I couldn't, well, seeing as how you asked…

BILBO proceeds to give a long-winded speech.

BILBO: Four score and seven years ago our fathers settled into this fair land of the Shire.

SAM: Remind me again why we all wanted to hear this speech?

BILBO CONTINUES.

BILBO: So, on behalf of my one hundred and eleventh birthday, I think it would be proper for us to-

HOBBITS: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

BILBO: Hey, you all interrupted me! In return, I shall insult you all.

There is instant SILENCE.

SILENCE: Cricket, cricket.

BILBO: This party sucks. BYE!

BILBO DISAPPEARS.

BILBO: Hehe, now you see me, now you don't!

HOBBITS: I CAN HEAR HIM!

BILBO: Uh oh.

-Scene-

**A/N: This wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. Once again, this is an extended scene from the extended edition. Unfortunately, the next one isn't, which is a shame. Oh well. Review! **


	6. Keep It Secret, Keep It Safe

**A/N: Ok, I'd like to start off with telling all my reviewers how much I appreciate your support and feedback. It makes my day. Also, there wasn't a new chapter yesterday because I wasn't online at all. So, here's my next chapter! I think this scene was called, **

**Keep It Secret, Keep It Safe**

**But I'm not sure.**

BILBO: If I close my eyes, no one can see me!

BILBO is apparently UNAWARE that we can still HEAR him. BILBO ENTERS BAG END, and takes off his RING. He skillfully FLIPS it into the air and CATCHES it. He then bustles about, PRESUMABLY PACKING. But wait, WHAT'S THIS?

GANDALF: Boo.

BILBO: How did you get in here?

GANDALF: The door was wide open.

BILBO: Oh.

GANDALF: Speaking of which, why on Middle-earth did you use that stupid ring of yours?

BILBO: I love my ring.

BILBO'S EYES are GLAZED and he LICKS his LIPS.

GANDALF: Why?

BILBO: _Why?_

GANDALF: Yeah. I mean, it's completely tacky!

BILBO: So? It makes you disappear. Like magic.

GANDALF: There's no such thing as magic.

BILBO: But you're a wizard.

GANDALF: Never mind that. Is your ring staying.

BILBO: Of course. You don't think I'm, like, that greedy, do you?

GANDALF CROSSES HIS FINGERS.

GANDALF: No not at all…it's not like you're the wealthiest hobbit in Hobbiton.

BILBO: But, I am…

GANDALF SLAPS his FOREHEAD.

BILBO: Look, the ring is in my pocket!

GANDALF: I thought you were going to leave it.

BILBO: I changed my mind.

GANDALF: You can't just change your mind!

BILBO: It's my mind, I can do what I want with it!

GANDALF: Huh?

BILBO realizes he just said something incredibly STUPID.

BILBO: The ring is my precious!

GANDALF becomes DISTURBED.

GANDALF: You've had that ring long enough.

BILBO: You want it for yourself!

GANDALF: No

GANDALF'S FINGERS ARE STILL CROSSED.

GANDALF: Fe, fi, foe, fum, I smell the blood of a hobbit bum!

BILBO: Twitch.

GANDALF and BILBO HUG.

GANDALF: You have to trust me!

BILBO: You're right, as usual.

GANDALF: I know.

BILBO: I better hurry or I'll miss the bus.

GANDALF: Right.

BILBO OPENS the DOOR.

GANDALF: The ring is still in your pocket.

BILBO: Darn, I was hoping you wouldn't notice.

MUSIC: I'm dramatic!

RING: Don't drop me.

BILBO DROPS the RING.

RING: I love you too…

SARCASTICALLY, of course.

BILBO: I've thought, up an ending for my book.

GANDALF is STARTLED by this RANDOMNESS.

GANDALF: Er, good…

BILBO: And he lived happily ever after, to the end of his days.

GANDALF: _Oh so original._

BILBO: I know. I'm a genius.

GANDALF: I was being sarcastic.

BILBO BEAMS. Evidently, he doesn't know what SARCASTIC means.

He then leaves, singing a song.

BILBO: She had it coming, she had it coming…

And so on and so forth.

GANDALF: Until our next meeting.

AUDIENCE: Is he aware that Bilbo can't hear him?

GANDALF RE-ENTERS BAG END. Good thing the door was WIDE OPEN.

EYE OF SAURON: Boo.

GANDALF: Smoking is bad, but I'm doing it anyways!

FRODO: Bilbo! Oh BIIIILLLLBOOOO!

GANDALF: He's not here.

FRODO: Oh, really?

SARCASM. AGAIN.

FRODO: Does that mean I get Bag End?

GANDALF: Yep.

FRODO: _Sweet._

GANDALF: You also get the ring.

FRODO: I've been looking forward to this day ever since I killed my parents!

GANDALF: What?

FRODO: Never mind.

GANDALF uses the AWESOME WAX SEAL to SEAL the ENVELOPE bearing the RING…with WAX, of course.

GANDALF: I've gotta go!

FRODO: Finally.

GANDALF: Keep it secret, keep it safe.

FRODO: Like my myspace password?

GANDALF: Yes, like your myspace password.

GANDALF is UNAWARE that FRODO LOST his MYSPACE PASSWORD.

GANDALF LEAVES.

FRODO looks at the ENVELOPE, containing the RING.

FRODO: It's just you and me now.

-Scene-

**A/N: I realize that compared to the last couple of chapters, it was shoddy work, but I'm kind of rushed, and I wanted to get this chapter out today. In time, I may get back to it and revise it. So, REVIEW!**


	7. The Account of Isildur

**A/N: This is a shorter chapter, because it that's how it is in the movie. Also, I'm assuming that this chapter/scene is called,**

**The Account of Isildur**

**But, once again, I'm not sure. I should really start looking at the Select a Scene list, but it's in my room.**

When we left off, GANDALF was running off doing WHO KNOWS WHAT, and FRODO had just received BILBO'S RING OF POWER. We are now introduced to another RANDOM aspect of the STORY. The random TOWER.

RANDOM TOWER: It's true.

Suddenly, a tortured SCREAM broke the air. Again, RANDOM.

RANDOM SCREAMER/GOLLUM: OW! I'M NOT VISIBLE! THEY'RE HURTING ME! BUT YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO TAKE MY WORD FOR IT, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE ME!

GANDALF: GANDALF TO THE RESCUE!

The GATES of MINAS MORGUL open to allow the BLACK RIDERS to LEAVE.

BLACK RIDERS: We can't control our horses very well.

HORSES: Stomp, neigh, trample, foam at the mouth.

AUDIENCE: They're gonna run the camera guy over!

MEANWHILE, GANDALF bravely CHARGES into MINAS TIRITH.

GANDALF: My hat is pointy.

RANDOM TORCH GUY: I'm sure my torch won't be a problem in the library with all the musty fumes and the loose paper.

GANDALF: Shut up and point me towards the accounts of Isildur.

RANDOM TORCH GUY: Ooh, you're going to go through his _diary?_

GANDALF: Point me!

RANDOM TORCH GUY: Ok, point, point, point.

GANDALF proceeds to search through MUSTY OLD PAPERS.

GANDALF: I still have that childish tendency to read aloud.

The scene FLASHES TO ISILDUR.

ISILDUR: Remember me?

ISILDUR promptly CRUSHES SAURON'S FINGER.

ISILDUR: Take that!

GANDALF: I'm reading Isildur's diary, and he can't do anything about, because he's dead. DEAD DEAD DEAD! He got corrupted by the RING!

RING: I would do no such thing!

ISILDUR: It's precious to me. Pet, pet, pet.

GANDALF: Case in point.

RING: Hehe.

MEANWHILE, in THE SHIRE.

FARMER MAGGOT: At least I _think _I'm Farmer Maggot…Oh well. I'll just continue to chop wood. Chop, chop, chop.

DOG: WOOF!

HORSE: I got here fast.

BLACK RIDER: Wheeerrrre iiisss the sssupeerr markeeet?

FARMER MAGGOT: Huh?

DOG: BARK!

BLACK RIDER: Thhheee ssstooorrrre?

FARMER MAGGOT: Could you write it down?

BLACK RIDER DOES SO.

NOTE: Where is the super market.

FARMER MAGGOT raises his EYEBROWS when he realizes the BLACK RIDER had dotted his 'I's with little HEARTS.

FARMER MAGGOT: _Anyways _the super market is in Hobbiton. Thataway.

DOG: BARK! I'm wagging my tail and barking in fear. How messed up.

HORSE: I'm RUNNING!

-Scene-

**A/N: That got very strange. I'm actually a bit surprised. It's not the shortest chapter I've had, although it did get a bit random. Oh well, randomness is what I'm best at! So, review!**


	8. The Green Dragon

**A/N: This scene won't really make sense if you haven't seen the extended version of The Fellowship of the Ring. And I _know _this one's called,**

**The Green Dragon**

We leave the DARK SCENES OF TERROR FROM THE PREVIOUS SCENE behind, and enter a more LIGHT-HEARTED atmosphere. At THE GREEN DRAGON, or, the HOBBITON BAR. At least, I ASSUME it's in HOBBITON. We are GREETED by the sounds of DRUNKEN SINGING. Yippee. MERRY and PIPPIN are the CULPRITS.

MERRY and PIPPIN: How come every time you come around

My Brandywine Bridge want to go down

Like Bywater want you to go down

Like Bywater be going down

And SO ON and SO FORTH.

FRODO: Skip, skip, skip to my lou my darling!

MERRY and PIPPIN: Jump, jump, jump!

OTHER HOBBITS: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THIS IS FUN!

SEMI-IMPORTANT HOBBITS WHO AREN'T UNDER THE 'OTHER HOBBITS' CATEGORY: Grr, we are sober, and therefore we are in a bad mood.

SAM: Why am I hanging around these old farts?

GAFFER: How's my Sammy-poo doing?

SAM: Er, hi, Dad.

SAM is clearly EMBARRASSED.

RANDOM HOBBIT WITH THE SEMI-IMPORTANT HOBBITS: There are strange folk in the Shire.

OTHER RANDOM HOBBIT: Stranger than Merry and Pippin, you mean?

FIRST RANDOM HOBBIT: I'm not sure that's possible.

He looks darkly over by MERRY and PIPPIN, who are with FRODO, SITTING on the TABLE.

SECOND RANDOM HOBBIT: War is brewing. Damn Nazis.

APPARENTLY, this hobbit fought in WW II.

SAM: Damn, Rosie is _hot!_

THIRD RANDOM HOBBIT: Bilbo Baggins was crazy!

SECOND RANDOM HOBBIT/GAFFER: So is Mr. Frodo.

FRODO: I can hear you, you know.

GAFFER: Uh…

FRODO: You are so fired.

GAFFER: You can't fire me, what about your garden!

FRODO: Good point. Sam, do you need a job?

SAM: Well, uh…

FRODO: Great, you're hired.

THIRD RANDOM HOBBIT: Keep out of trouble.

FRODO: What are you, my mother?

GAFFER: I thought you killed your mother and father.

FRODO: That's outrageous. How dare you accuse me of something so heinous! You are so fired.

GAFFER: You can't fire me!

FRODO: And why's that?

GAFFER: Because I don't work for you anymore.

FRODO PAUSES to THINK about this.

FRODO: Would you like a job?

GAFFER OPENS his MOUTH to RESPOND.

FRODO: You're fired.

DONALD TRUMP: Plagiarism!

SAM: Oh, Rosie's heading for the door! Time to leave!

As ROSIE is WAVING THEM ALL GOODNIGHT, a DRUNKEN HOBBIT tries to PERSUADE ROSIE into doing GOD KNOWS WHAT.

SAM: Grr, this is upsetting to me.

FRODO: Don't worry, Rosie knows an idiot when she sees one.

SAM: Well, there goes my future with Rosie Cotton.

FRODO: Oh, good point.

AUDIENCE: Hehe.

FRODO and SAM then BID THEIR GOODNIGHTS.

SAM: Don't let the bed bugs bite!

FRODO: Whatever.

-Scene-

**A/N: That was very…strange. I never intended the whole, Gaffer/Frodo thing, although I always thought it was very rude of the Gaffer. A few disclaimers: I don't own the song Merry and Pippin song; that belongs to Fergie, and it's actually called London Bridge.** **I also don't own the line of Frodo's would you like a job. That comes from Spongebob Squarepants. Or the song Frodo sings (skip to my lou, or the other song Merry and Pippin sing, Jump, by Kriss-Kross)Anyways, review! Ta!**


	9. Shadows of the Past

**A/N: I am so, so, so, so, so, SO sorry for the long (well, for this story so far) update, but I have an excuse. Our computer had 119 freaking spyware items on it, so we had it taken away on Tuesday. So, if you all can forgive me, read this next chapter!**

**Shadows of the Past**

FRODO OPENS his FRONT DOOR. The interior of BAG END looks CREEPY.

FRODO: I'm a bright one. The place has clearly been invaded or something, and I leave my front door wide open!

AUDIENCE: Oh boy.

Suddenly, a HAND GRABS FRODO.

GANDALF: Boo.

FRODO: Gandalf, you scared me!

GANDALF: Is it secret, is it safe?

FRODO: Just like my myspace password!

GANDALF: That makes me feel good.

FRODO GRINS STUPIDLY.

The scene CUTS to FRODO RUMMAGING through a CHEST. A very MESSY chest. He pulls out the ENVELOPE CONTAINING THE RING.

GANDALF: Is that where you keep your myspace password?

FRODO: I'm not telling you!

AUDIENCE: I see the fate of Middle-earth is in _competent _hands.

FRODO GIVES THE RING TO GANDALF.

GANDALF: Pretty….I shall throw it into the fire! I'm a really smart one!

AUDIENCE: What a team…

FRODO: What the hell are you doing?

GANDALF: Gold is totally awesome fuel!

FRODO: Oh goody, we're making s'mores!

GANDALF: Duh. Did you think I came here for something important?

FRODO: You're right, nothing you say is ever important.

It takes GANDALF a few seconds to PROCESS this.

GANDALF:…HEY!

Both GANDALF and FRODO become aware that the RING ISN'T BURNING.

GANDALF: This sucks.

FRODO: It does.

SAM: Exactly.

FRODO: Did you hear something?

SAM: Oops. I meant, chirp chirp.

SAM quickly DUCKS back into the BUSHES.

GANDALF angrily takes the RING out of the FIRE and DROPS it into FRODO'S HAND.

FRODO: Ow, hot, hot, hot!

FRODO then NOTICES something ODD.

FRODO: Do you think these markings had something to do with the Ring's burning ability?

GANDALF: What markings?

FRODO: Some form of Elvish. I can't read it.

GANDALF takes a look at these SO-CALLED MARKINGS.

GANDALF: This isn't Elvish you dunderhead. It's Thai.

FRODO: Oh.

GANDALF: Sauron's first language.

FRODO: I thought his first language was Black Speech.

GANDALF: That's what they want you to think.

FRODO: Who's they?

GANDALF: You know…them. The others.

FRODO: Someone's been watching too much _Lost._

GANDALF: I can't help it. It's got Dominic Monaghan in it. You know he's my favorite actor.

FRODO did know. Personally, he thought his NOSE was too BIG.

FRODO: So, what does this Ring say.

GANDALF: I don't read Thai.

FRODO: Then how do you know this is Thai?

GANDALF: I just do!

FRODO: Ok then…

GANDALF: So, I never did get that tea Bilbo started making for me…

FRODO: Alright!

LATER, FRODO and GANDALF are seated with TEA, which will once again, be IGNORED.

GANDALF: This is the One Ring.

FRODO: I figured that part…

AUDIENCE: So did we. I mean, it _is _in the title.

FRODO: Bilbo found it.

AUDIENCE: We know that too…

GANDALF: Boring. Let's just skip to the stuff the audience doesn't know.

FRODO: Sounds good.

FRODO proceeds to talk about stuff we already know.

FRODO: Sauron was destroyed.

GANDALF: Maybe I better do all the talking.

GANDALF proceeds to do what FRODO was just doing.

GANDALF: Sauron's not really dead.

AUDIENCE: WE KNOW ALL OF THIS!

FRODO: You know what! This is boring. Let's just hide it and be done!

AUDIENCE: Good idea.

GANDALF: Can't do that?

FRODO: And why not?

GANDALF: Gollum blabbed.

FRODO: Well, isn't that convenient?

There is a FLASHBACK, involving GOLLUM'S HANDS.

GOLLUM: AHH! SHIRE! BAGGINS!

FRODO: Shire…Baggins. But that'll lead them hear.

GANDALF: Thank you, O Wise One.

FRODO misses GANDALF'S SARCASM.

BLACK RIDERS: Randomness!

RANDOM WATCH-HOBBIT: Who goes there?

BLACK RIDERS: Well, we don't know how to respond, so…OFF WITH HIS HEAD!

FRODO: Well, here you go Gandalf.

GANDALF: Doesn't anyone ever _listen _to me!

FRODO: No.

GANDALF: I knew it. Alas, I cannot take the ring.

FRODO: Take it anyways.

GANDALF GROANS.

GANDALF: Kill me, please.

FRODO: What do I have to do?

GANDALF promptly starts describing a SUICIDE MISSION.

GANDALF: You must leave.

He hands FRODO a NEATLY FOLDED SHIRT.

FRODO GRABS IT and STUFFS IT INTO A BAG.

GANDALF: Hey! I just folded that!

FRODO: Where do I go?

GANDALF: Bree.

FRODO: Why Bree?

GANDALF: Because I said so.

FRODO is almost prepared to leave.

GANDALF: Travel only by day. And stay off the road.

FRODO: Shouldn't I travel by night to avoid detection?

GANDALF: No, you must travel by day!

FRODO: Um, ok.

GANDALF: Hobbits are amazing.

FRODO: Um, thanks.

SAM: NO! HE CAN'T GO WITHOUT ME!

GANDALF: Get down. I thought I heard something.

GANDALF quickly jabs SAM in the HEAD.

SAM: OW!

GANDALF: Hi-ya!

He THROWS SAM onto the TABLE.

GANDALF: Eavesdropping is bad.

SAM: Er…I wasn't eavesdropping. Or dropping eaves, for that matter.

FRODO: This is amusing!

GANDALF: I shall punish you, by rewarding you? That is so messed up.

SAM: Yay!

LATER, they are LEAVING…

FRODO: Hey Gandalf, you know how, earlier you said travel only by day?

GANDALF: Yes…

FRODO: Well, are you aware that it was nighttime, and I was about to leave?

GANDALF: Yes, that is odd…

They ENTER the WOODS.

GANDALF: Be careful, lest one of Sauron's birds peck you to death. We wouldn't want that now would we? Do you have the ring?

FRODO: Duh!

GANDALF then RIDES off and FRODO and SAM continue their journey. Eventually, they reach a wheat/corn field.

SAM: If I take one step further, it'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been.

FRODO: Was there any particular reason you didn't even reach the corn field?

SAM: Uhh…

FRODO: Well, let's keep on keepin' on!

-Scene-

**A/N: Once again, SORRY! For the delay-type thing. Once I start school, updates will be sporadic, but I have already made it a point to stick with this story. Has anyone ever noticed how Frodo, Gandalf, and Bilbo ALWAYS left the door to Bag End WIDE OPEN? It always bothered me. Well, anyways, review!**


	10. The Passing of the Elves

**A/N: Yet another deleted scene! I was always partial to this scene. I always loved it.**

**The Passing of the Elves**

The scene opens on FOOD. SAM is COOKING, and FRODO is SMOKING, what would you rather be doing?

FRODO: Cough, cough.

SAM: I hope Mr. Frodo doesn't notice I didn't wash my hands before cooking.

Suddenly, FRODO HEARS SOMETHING.

ELVES: Walk, shimmer, sing.

FRODO manages to deduce that these are WOOD-ELVES.

FRODO: Sam, I detect with my spidey-senses that there are wood-elves near by.

SAM: Oh boy!

SAM hurries to look at the ELVES, like they are some exhibit in a MUSEUM. FRODO goes to HURRY after him, but his progress is IMPEDED by his forgetting he is sitting in a TREE.

FRODO: Ouch.

SAM: Shiny….

FRODO: I think they're going on a cruise.

SAM: Why do you say that, there's no boat.

FRODO: It's at the Grey Havens, dumbass.

SAM: Oh.

FRODO: No wonder Rosie's not interested in you.

SAM: Don' rub it in.

FRODO and SAM continue to WATCH the ELVES.

SAM: This is sad.

FRODO: Why?

SAM: That's the point. I don't know why it makes me sad.

FRODO: Why did I get stuck with you?

SAM: Because I was eavesdropping.

LATER, they prepare for SLEEPING.

SAM: Everywhere I lie there's a tree-root sticking into my back.

FRODO: That could be because you're laying right up against the tree.

SAM: Maybe.

FRODO: Man, I'll never get to sleep with you talking.

SAM decides that it's time for a SNACK.

SAM: Yum, chicken.

SOMEWHERE ELSE, all is PEACEFUL. Even the music.

MUSIC: La la la la la….

BLACK RIDER: Hello.

HORSE: Snort.

MUSIC: Dun dun duuuun.

-Scene-

**A/N: That was really short, but I don't care. I should have the next chapter up tomorrow before I leave for a friend's house, and then there won't be an update on Monday, more than likely, but you never know. I'm kind of looking forward to tomorrow's chapter. I mean, two old guys fighting…I can't pass that up. We are nearing the parts where I had actually been planning the parody in my head while watching the movie, so everything will get better. A lot better. Review!**


	11. Saruman the White

**A/N: Um, yeah, this is the next chapter! Enjoy!**

**Saruman the White**

The scene opens on GANDALF, riding SWIFTLY to an UNKNOWN LOCATION.

SARUMAN: Smoke rises from the mountain of DOOM. The hour grows late and Gandalf the Grey rides to Isengard seeking my counsel.

GANDALF: I am naïve.

SARUMAN: Yes, I know.

GANDALF: SARUMAN! I LOVE YOU!

SARUMAN: Er…

LATER-ISH, GANDALF and SARUMAN are walking through GARDENS.

SARUMAN: You are sure of this?

GANDALF is about to ANSWER but-

GANDALF: Since when do you grow orchids?

SARUMAN SIGHS WISTFULLY.

SARUMAN: They're so pretty…

GANDALF carefully STEPS AWAY.

GANDALF: Let's go inside, shall we?

INSIDE, GANDALF and SARUMAN are in SARUMAN'S BEDROOM.

GANDALF: Dear friend, you should really clean up this place. Hire a maid or something.

SARUMAN hasn't CLEANED HIS ROOM since the SECOND AGE.

SARUMAN: Soooo, the One Ring has been found.

GANDALF: Yes…

SARUMAN: Are you sure it's in competent hands?

GANDALF: Of course.

GANDALF makes the SIGN OF THE CROSS.

SARUMAN: You do know that Frodo managed to _lose_ his myspace password, don't you?

GANDALF: You know this? How?

SARUMAN: I have seen it.

GANDALF: Not the psychic business again…

SARUMAN: But the Palantir are so cool!

GANDALF SIGHS.

GANDALF: We may not know who else may be watching!

SARUMAN: Sauron is..

GANDALF: I know you are!

SARUMAN: Not Saruman! SAURON!

GANDALF: What_ever._

SARUMAN: Some friend you are!

GANDALF: What _idiot _said I was your friend!

SARUMAN: Um, you did?

GANDALF: Really? When? Because I recall no such thing!

SARUMAN: Yeah, you did, when we made those friendship bracelets.

GANDALF: Er, what friendship bracelets?

He quickly HIDES said BRACELET.

GANDALF COVERS THE PALANTIR.

EYE OF SAURON: HEY!

SARUMAN: My throne is so cool.

GANDALF: Ok then…

SARUMAN: The Nine have left Minas Morgul.

GANDALF: What happened to the Ten?

SARUMAN: Well, the Ten went to a party last week, and well-

GANDALF: No!

SARUMAN: I'm afraid so…

GANDALF GROANS.

GANDALF: Wait a second…how did you know that?

SARUMAN: I'm a psychic, remember?

GANDALF: Psychic my ass…

SARUMAN: You're so mean. I'm sick of you Gandalf.

GANDALF:_ I'm_ so mean?

SARUMAN: Yeah. AAAH!

SARUMAN uses his PSYCHIC POWERS to TOSS GANDALF around like a RAG DOLL.

GANDALF: My turn. ROAR.

GANDALF throws SARUMAN around, but, since he's not a PSYCHIC, it doesn't work out so well.

GANDALF: AAAAH.

SARUMAN: You're supposed to point your staff the other way.

SARUMAN says all this while SPINNING GANDALF AROUND AND AROUND. And then UP

GANDALF: Wheeee. Wheee. Wheeeeee. OW!

GANDALF promptly hits his HEAD on the CEILING of ORTHANC.

-Scene-

**A/N: I had fun writing that. A little known fact about myself is that I always get Saruman's and Sauron's names mixed up. Review.**


	12. A Shortcut to Mushrooms

**A/N: Ok, so, I was like, super tired last night, which is why I wasn't online at all! Gasp!**

**A Shortcut to Mushrooms**

GANDALF'S SCREAM is ECHOING from the LAST SCENE.

GANDALF: AAAH! Ow!

SAM: What was that noise?

NO ONE ANSWERS.

SAM: Mr. Frodo?

SAM RUNS out of the CORN he was walking through.

SAM: Whoa, how did I end up way over here?

FRODO: Yeah, what on Middle-earth are we doing in a corn field at all?

SAM: Oh, there you are. I'd thought I'd lost you.

FRODO: Um, ew.

SAM looks OFFENDED.

SAM: I was just doing what Gandalf told me to do.

FRODO: I'm going to have some words with him.

There is an AWKWARD SILENCE.

FRODO: We're still in the Shire. Nothing can happen to us!

MERRY and PIPPIN come HURTLING out of the CORN, straight into FRODO and SAM!

SAM: I think you spoke too soon.

MERRY: We're random.

PIPPIN: Hi Frodo.

SAM hears this last exchange.

SAM: Get off him, only I can talk to Frodo!

MERRY: Since when?

SAM: Since…er, I said so.

PIPPIN: Sam…you're a gardener.

SAM: Got a problem with that?

FRODO: Sam, get over yourself.

Suddenly, FARMER MAGGOT comes BRANDISHING a PITCHFORK and YELLING.

FARMER MAGGOT: OI! GET OUT OF MY CORN, YOU YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPERS!

HOBBITS: EEK!

HOBBITS start RUNNING. SAM is SLOW and COMICAL.

MERRY: Why on Middle-earth is he so upset? I mean, it's not like we stole anything…

PIPPIN: …of importance.

FRODO and SAM are WONDERING why their FRIENDS are so STUPID.

They come to a STOP. Well, PIPPIN comes to a STOP, and so does EVERYONE ELSE. Except SAM.

ALL HOBBITS EXCEPT SAM: SAM! YOU IDIOT.

PIPPIN: Stupid Sam.

SAM: Well, I wasn't the one who stopped in the middle of the road.

The HOBBITS are now on the ROAD. Oh dear. They are doing EXACTLY what GANDALF told them NOT to.

GANDALF in a BRIEF CAMEO: Man, no one ever listens to me.

MERRY: I think I've broken something.

PIPPIN: You didn't break the carrot, did you!

MERRY: Um, no. I was talking more along the lines of my body parts…

PIPPIN: Good. So long as you didn't break the carrot.

MERRY: Boy, I feel loved.

SAM: Trust a Brandybuck and a Took.

MERRY and PIPPIN: That's right!

SAM: I was being sarcastic.

PIPPIN: Oh. Well, it was just a shortcut.

SAM: Shortcut to what?

PIPPIN: Mushrooms!

SAM: Everyone's a comedian.

MERRY: Except you.

SAM gives MERRY the EVIL EYE.

MERRY: You've got some sausages sticking out.

SAM: So I do.

PIPPIN: My mushroom!

FRODO: Eh, I don't like mushrooms…Oh hey, we're on the road. Gandalf said that's bad. Guys, get off the road.

The HOBBITS proceed with they're FAVORITE GAME (apart from 'Tig') IGNORE FRODO.

FRODO: Get off the road or it's no mushrooms for you!

OTHER HOBBITS: Oh no!

They PROCEED to GET OFF THE ROAD.

BLACK RIDER: Here I am again.

HORSE: I'm evil looking. And look at the nails in my hoof.

The HOBBITS are hiding under ONE HECK OF A TREE.

HOBBITS: Not only are we completely visible, but we're also rather loud.

AUTHOR: This is wear I take a three-minute break to listen to London Bridge by Fergie.

THREE MINUTES LATER…

BLACK RIDER: I'm leaving!

HOBBITS: FREEDOM!

PIPPIN: Wait, didn't Merry throw the bag of mushrooms?

FRODO: So? I hate mushrooms.

And so does the AUTHOR. Yuck.

HOBBITS: RUN AWAY!

They proceed to RUN AWAY!

HOBBITS: WHEEE!

All HOBBITS except FRODO, fall down.

MERRY: What was that!

FRODO: Why are you asking me?

PIPPIN: Because he's stupid.

FRODO: Tell me something I don't know.

-Scene-

**A/N: A couple notes about this scene. It took longer than it should have, but I was doing a ton of Myspace surveys, and I still am actually. And I really did stop to listen to London Bridge, which made an appearance in The Green Dragon chapter. Also, when the hobbits fell over and Pippin said stupid Sam, and Sam said I wasn't the one who stopped in the middle of the road, I have Billy Boyd and Sean Astin to thank for those lines. I got it from the cast commentary, and those things were said by those two brilliant actors. AND, (ok, more than a couple notes) 'Tig' is a game that Dominic Monaghan and Billy Boyd made up when filming Weathertop (expect more Tig jokes then) Sean Astin then joined them, and the Elijah Wood, who was only 17 or 18, thought it was a real game, so they talked about that in the commentary again. Um, I think that's it. Except, of course, REVIEW!**


	13. Buckleberry Ferry

**A/N: This scene will most likely be really short, because it's mostly running, but I'll do my best.**

**Buckleberry Ferry**

It is NIGHTFALL. How did it get DARK so FAST? An ECLIPSE, maybe?

SAM: Anything?

FRODO: Oh sure, lots. Like, there's a tree over there, and, hey look, a black rider, which is what we suddenly started calling them for some odd reason.

MERRY: That black rider was-

FRODO: See!

MERRY: Looking for something…or someone. Frodo?

FRODO: Why are you looking at me! What did I do?

MERRY: …I don't know.

SAM: Get down!

PIPPIN: Hey, you sounded a bit like me there!

SAM: Oh dear.

FRODO: Why do we have to 'get down'? We're already standing behind a ginormous tree!

PIPPIN: 'Ginormous' isn't a word.

FRODO: Shut up, I'm older than you.

PIPPIN: Actually….

FRODO: SHUT UP!

BLACK RIDER: La de da…still deaf.

After the BLACK RIDER LEAVES...

FRODO: Anyways, I have to leave the Shire.

MERRY: Well, I kind of figured that part. Buckleberry Ferry. Follow-

PIPPIN: That rhymed.

MERRY GROANS at the INCOMPETENCE and IDIOCY of his COUSIN.

MERRY: Follow me.

FRODO: Why? I know the way.

MERRY: Gotta get involved somehow.

HOBBITS start to RUN. Presumably to BUCKLEBERRY FERRY, which RHYMES.

BLACK RIDER #2: Boo.

FRODO: AH! Why is it just chasing me?

MERRY: Don't any of you wonder what happened to that carrot?

PIPPIN: You gave the carrot to _Frodo?_

MERRY: Hehehehe.

HORSE: I smell carrots!

AUDIENCE: Why can't the horses just run them over? The horses have got to be like eight feet tall.

FRODO: Because the horses are running in slow motion.

MERRY: And horses aren't eight feet tall! What _idiot _ever said that horses were eight feet tall!

PIPPIN: Um, I think you did.

AUTHOR: It's true.

The HOBBITS, excluding FRODO, JUMP over a RANDOM FENCE. SAM FALLS over the fence. Very COMICAL.

PIPPIN: Follow me!

MERRY: No, follow _me!_

MERRY (again): I have a splinter! Ow, ow, ow!

PIPPIN: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

SAM: I'll just follow you both, since we're all going to the same place.

MERRY: Shut up and get the rope.

MERRY is GRUMPY with PAIN. Sucks for him.

SAM proceeds to get the ROPE.

PIPPIN: You know, the boat isn't really supposed to be here, because in the book, Frodo said it was good they never kept boats on the west bank.

MERRY: We took the boat here, dumbass.

AUTHOR: Yet another three minute break, this time for Hips Don't Lie.

THREE MINUTES LATER….

FRODO: Still running.

MERRY and PIPPIN: Still talking about boats…

PIPPIN: Yeah, what were we doing here anyways?

MERRY: No answer for that one.

FRODO is STILL RUNNING!

FRODO: Hey guys! Don't leave without me!

HOBBITS: RUN FRODO!

FRODO: What does it look like I'm doing!

HOBBITS PUSH THE FERRY OFF!

FRODO: WAIT!

Both FRODO and the BLACK RIDER are in SLOW MOTION.

FRODO: I'm gonna JUMP!

SAM: You don't really have much of a choice, do you?

FRODO JUMPS.

PIPPIN: Whew, almost did a swan dive there!

HORSE: EEK! I can't go in there!

MERRY: Row row row the ferry, gently down the…Buckleberry. Throw Sam's pots overboard and listen to him scream!

-Scene-

**A/N: Yes, Dominic Monaghan really did say the horse was eight feet tall, and since I have a horse fetish, I was a little..obsessive over that. Also, so said Dominic Monaghan (who says a lot, apparently) Elijah Wood actually jumped right over the ferry the first take. And he really did receive a splinter whilst filming this scene. Review!**


	14. At the Sign of the Prancing Pony

**A/N: I got nothing better to do, which is why I decided to TYPE!**

**At the Sign of the Prancing Pony**

It is RAINING. HARD. The HOBBITS are WET. VERY WET.

FRODO: Come, my faithful baboons, only a wee bit further, then we can have a rest at this here comfortable in.

The INN is YE OLDE INN. How CREATIVE.

HOBBITS: Hoozah!

The HOBBITS, along with a GANG OF PIRATES come TRAMPING towards the DOORS.

FRODO: Knock on the door, peek in, climb up the ladder, and….I forgot the rest.

More like the AUTHOR forgot the rest.

GATEKEEPER: Who goes there?

FRODO: It is I!

SAM: And I!

MERRY: And I!

PIPPIN: And I!

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: And I!

ELIZABETH: And I!

WILL: And I!

SAM: What are you doing here?

WILL: Wait, Jack can be here, but I can't?

AUTHOR: Right.

WILL: Why is that?

AUTHOR: Because of my biased opinion.

WILL: Huh?

FRODO: What the author is _trying _to say is that Jack Sparrow is hot, and you're not.

WILL: Then why is Elizabeth here?

ALL: Good point.

PIRATE PEOPLE: Oh dear.

They all RUN AWAY.

GATEKEEPER: What do you want?

FRODO: We wish to stay at Ye Olde Inn.

GATEKEEPER: No, no. You misunderstood me. When I said what do you want, I had no wish to know where you were going!

SAM: But you said-

GATEKEEPER: How about this? Do you want to enter Bree, or stay out?

MERRY: Obviously, we want to enter!

The rest of this scene merely conveys that the GATEKEEPER is STONED.

GATEKEEPER: What business brings ye to Bree?

FRODO: Our business is-

SAM: Well, there's this Ring, and we're going to take it to-

PIPPIN promptly grabs one of SAM'S many PANS and HITS him over the HEAD.

MERRY: That was stupid.

PIPPIN: I've been wanting to do that since we ran into him at the cornfield.

MERRY: I know, but he's so fat, how do you expect to get him into Bree now? We'll never be able to carry him.

FRODO: Oh what_ever._

GATEKEEPER: You guys are weird. In you go.

The HOBBITS proceed to ENTER BREE.

There are various SHOTS of RANDOM TALL/FAT/HORRENDOUSLY UGLY PEOPLE.

MAN HOLDING CARROT: I'm fat, wet, and completely random.

FRODO: He looks _so _familiar.

AUDIENCE: Duh. He's the director. Wait, if he's on camera, who's directing?

The AUDIENCE'S ANSWER COMES QUICKLY, when the camera pans over a WIDE ASSORTMENT of FOOD.

AUDIENCE: Sean Astin? Weird.

The HOBBITS arrive at YE OLDE INN.

BUTTERBUR: I am tall.

FIVE FOOT TALL FEMALE GYMNAST (named Becky): Me too!

FRODO: Um, hello?

BUTTERBUR: Yo, dawgs! What can I do fer yeh?

FRODO: Um, we're looking for someone. Um, big grey beard, pointy hat…?

BUTTERBUR: Oh, you mean Santa Claus? He only comes around at Christmas.

HOBBITS: Darn.

BUTTERBUR: What's your names, dudes?

FRODO: Under-

SAM: Frodo Baggins!

PIPPIN KNOCKS SAM OUT; again.

OTHER HOBBITS: YAY!

LATER…

SAM: My head hurts.

FRODO: How did we get so dry so fast? Our hair at any rate should still be dry.

PIPPIN: Bye, I'm gonna go get drunk.

OTHER HOBBITS: Ok.

SAM decides to TALK to FRODO for no REASON.

SAM: That fellow's done nothing but stare at you since we arrived.

FRODO: I know. Sam, we've talked about this. You can't stare at me so much. It's disconcerting.

SAM: But-

FRODO NOTICES the MAN SAM'S TALKING about.

FRODO: That guy's staring at me!

BUTTERBUR: Here I am again!

FRODO soon realizes the PIPPIN is about to EMBARRASS HIMSELF…BADLY.

FRODO: Pippin! NOOOO! I will save you from embarrassment!

PIPPIN: La de da! I'm an idiot.

FRODO (now in slo-mo): _Nooooooooo!_

FRODO SLIPS on a BOOT? Weird.

RING: Flippy flippy flip!

FRODO: Whoa, everything is so foggy. That's why I need Claritin Clear.

SAURON: Death!

BLACK RIDERS: I'm winning!

BLACK RIDERS (cont.): No you're not! I am!

MEANWHILE….

FRODO: Hm, the ring is on my finger. How'd it get there?

FRODO TAKES THE RING OFF.

STRIDER: Finally! BOO!

FRODO: AHH!

STRIDER: I'm not really that kindly and gentle you know.

FRODO: You're that freakazoid who was watching me!

STRIDER: So?

FRODO: Sooo you really shouldn't be-

STRIDER: Shut up! You're giving me a headache!

STRIDER THROWS, yes THROWS FRODO up the STAIRS.

FRODO: OW!

STRIDER: WHEEE!

STRIDER THROWS FRODO into a ROOM.

FRODO: Again with the toss-a-hobbit.

STRIDER: I have the high score in that game, thank you very much.

BACK TO BUSINESS.

STRIDER: Are you afraid?

FRODO: Not really.

STRIDER: Well you should be afraid. _Very _afraid.

FRODO: Whatever.

SAM, MERRY, and PIPPIN CLATTER UP THE STAIRS.

SAM: Let him go, or I'll have your head!

STRIDER, who had previously GRABBED his SWORD for PROTECTION, DROPS it and becomes INCAPACITATED with LAUGHTER.

SAM: Fine. Off with his head!

STRIDER: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

PIPPIN QUICKLY KNOCKS OUT SAM, this time just for being a complete FOOL.

**A/N: Well, that's it for this chapter, which was really quite random towards the end, was it not? A disclaimer: I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean, although I state frequently, I really wish I did. **


	15. The Nazgul

**A/N: Originally, I wasn't going to start typing this until Saturday, but I'm online talking to friends, and there is nothing to do on myspace, and none of my favorite sites are interesting, so I decided to type this up. Whether it'll get up today or not, I'm not sure. Also, this is an extended scene, but I don't remember what's so extended about it.**

**The Nazgul**

At the GATEHOUSE of the GATEKEEPER, there is a SOUND. Well, I don't remember this SOUND, but apparently the GATEKEEPER wasn't HEARING THINGS. Read how I decided this, NOW.

GATEKEEPER: Yum, I just love vodka. Vodka, vodka, vodka. And a little marijuana. La de da de da! Oh, what is that noise I hear?

NOISE GATEKEEPER HEARS: ……………

GATEKEEPER LOOKS OUT RANDOM SLOT IN DOOR.

BLACK RIDERS: I'm still WINNING!

Let's put it NICELY. BLACK RIDERS AREN'T THE BEST OF STEERERS. Ok, so STEERERS is apparently NOT A WORD. LET'S PUT IT NOT SO NICELY. BLACK RIDERS may be CALLED BLACK RIDERS, but they AREN'T GOOD RIDERS. As you will READ.

BLACK RIDERS: WINNING!

GATEKEEPER: OH NO! I'm apparently too stupid to move!

NOTE TO READERS: This is why you shouldn't do drugs.

BLACK RIDERS: Chacka chacka BOOM BOOM!

AUDIENCE: How the _hell _did they ride into that gate without hurting the horses?

HORSES: We're SUPER horses!

AUDIENCE: I guess that explains it.

GATEKEEPER: Ow…

The BLACK RIDERS proceed to enter YE OLDE INN. BUTTERBUR is behind a DOOR.

BUTTERBUR: Hm, if I close my eyes, no one can see me!

AUDIENCE: _Right…_

BLACK RIDERS ENTER THE HOBBITS' ROOM.

AUDIENCE: Oh dear.

PIPPIN: ZZzzZZ

MERRY: Snore….

SAM: Snort.

FRODO: Why am I like, not there?

STRIDER: And where am I supposed to sleep?

BLACK RIDERS: DIE!

BLACK RIDERS proceed to STAB the HOBBITS BEDS.

MERRY: They're not hobbits, they're just pillows! PILLOWS!

PIPPIN: Well they turn into feathers.

MERRY: How can he carry a ring if he's just made of feathers?

PIPPIN SHRUGS. The BLACK RIDERS are ANGRY.

BLACK RIDERS: RAAAAR!

In the PARLOR, where the HOBBITS really were, STRIDER is LOOKING out the WINDOW.

STRIDER: Am I not completely obvious?

FRODO: You are, but the Black Riders can't really see you.

STRIDER: Why is that?

FRODO: They're having a little trouble with their horses.

IT'S TRUE.

FRODO: What are they?

STRIDER: You are some kind of idiot. They're called Black Riders/Nazgul/Kings of Men.

FRODO: Never heard that last one.

STRIDER: Well now you have.

AUTHOR: Guess what? Another break! To listen to Evanescence's Call Me When You're Sober.

STRIDER: We're walking.

SAM: OW! BILL! You stepped on my foot and ripped of my toes.

FRODO: My foot's numb. I wonder why. Oooh, I stepped on glass? When?

MERRY: Strider is evil. Why do you trust him?

FRODO: A servant of the enemy would look fairer, and feel fouler.

SAM: What makes you so sure?

ORCS: Do you think Frodo will rethink that once he meets us?

SAURON: Probably.

MERRY: He's foul enough.

STRIDER: I resent that!

MERRY: You smell like that random hobbit at the beginning of this story. The idiot who couldn't get that thing off his finger? You know the one….

STRIDER: Wouldn't know. I was sleeping during that part. Too happy for me.

MERRY: Apparently.

STRIDER: Drop it! I bathed last year.

ALL HOBBITS GAG IN RESPONSE. EXCEPT SAM, who's WAY in the BACK.

FRODO: Where are you taking us?

STRIDER is CHECKING to SEE if he SMELLS as BAD as the HOBBITS SAY.

FRODO: STRIDER! WHERE ARE YOU TAKING US!

STRIDER: Into the wild.

FRODO: No kidding?

STRIDER: We're going to Rivendell.

FRODO: I'm so confused. You said into the wild, now you're saying Rivendell.

STRIDER: What I meant by 'into the wild' was-

FRODO: Just shut up! You're giving me a headache.

It is SNOWING. Well, not really, but SNOW is ON THE GROUND.

PIPPIN: Those snowflakes were like scale snowflakes!

STRIDER: We do not stop!

PIPPIN: But, it's a snow day!

STRIDER: You don't need to eat!

PIPPIN: Yes we do!

STRIDER: Do you want to end up looking like Sam?

PIPPIN SHUDDERS.

STRIDER: That's what I thought.

STRIDER WALKS ON.

He then THROWS APPLES!

STRIDER: Who said this job doesn't have its perks?

PIPPIN: Um, ow.

MERRY: Oh cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it.

PIPPIN:….You're mean!

-Scene-

**A/N: A few disclaimers. Let's see. Ah yes. The lines Merry and Pippin said were taken from the commentary. You know, the lines about the pillows and feathers. They were said by none other than Dominic Monaghan and Billy Boyd. Also, the things with Frodo and Sam about the horse stepping on Sam's toes and Frodo stepped on glass and didn't know it, were also in the commentary. The horse, not pony, stepped on Sean Astin's foot the day they filmed some walking scene at that part in the movie, and it ripped off the prosthetic toes. Elijah Wood stepped on glass the same day and didn't know it until the end because his foot was so numb. Um, the part with the snow, apparently they _started _filming that scene the day before the one that showed up in the movie. The snowflakes were apparently HUGE, and Billy Boyd said in the commentary that he thought they were scale snowflakes. Also, this wasn't really a tribute to the commentary, but when Viggo Mortenson (however his last name is spelled) was throwing the apples, Billy Boyd said he seemed to enjoy throwing them. ALSO, Merry's last line, 'cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it' goes out to my friend Kelly Campagna. Originally, it was just going to be cry me a river, and then some mention of Justin Timberlake would pop up, but since Kelly had just IM'd me, I thought of a saying she used to say in seventh grade a lot. I think that's pretty much all. Well, I did figure out where it was extended, so that's good for me. I better stop rambling, or my author's note is going to end up longer than the story. It can happen. I've seen it happen before. All I can say now is I don't know when the next update will be, hopefully this weekend sometime. Review.**


	16. The Spoiling of Isengard

**A/N: Before I start, I would like to say that the website in which I was currently (up until now) getting my information on who said what for this parody is DOWN! AH! I freaked out! But I found a new one, but I'm not sure if I like it as much. It makes me a little nervous, but at least they have a list of scenes, which means I don't have to haul my butt off to my room, scrounge through my countless DVDs until I find a simple scene title. **

**The Spoiling of Isengard**

SARUMAN is USING his MAGIC 8 BALL, otherwise known as the PALANTIR.

SARUMAN: The power of my life is at your command, Master.

SAURON: What do you want!

SARUMAN: I'm cold.

SAURON: I'm not.

SARUMAN: I know you're not! You're a big, gargantuan flaming EYE!

SAURON: I had no clue that 'gargantuan' was even a word!

SARUMAN: Well, it is!

SAURON: How do you know?

AUTHOR: I can answer that!

SAURON: How?

AUTHOR: My spell check didn't catch it.

SAURON: So? That doesn't mean anything. The spell check seems to think Isengard isn't a word.

AUTHOR: Isengard isn't a word.

SARUMAN: TAKE THAT BACK!

AUTHOR: No!

SARUMAN: Take that back, or I'll use my magical fingernails and tear your eyes out!

AUTHOR: What_ever._

AUTHOR proceeds to SPELL CHECK ISENGARD.

AUTHOR: There, are you happy?

SARUMAN: Much.

AUTHOR leaves this PARODY, which SHE had NO BUSINESS being in ANYWAYS.

SAURON: Any_ways_, build me an army worthy of Mordor!

SARUMAN: I'm sure I have my lego people around here somewhere!

SAURON: Not out of legos you moron!

SARUMAN: But, lego people, are so cool!

SAURON: They're yellow.

SARUMAN: So?

IN SARUMAN'S…other ROOM, two UGLY GUYS enter.

UGLY MAN # 1: What orders my lord?

UGLY MAN # 2: Why do we take commands from a friggin' _eye_?

SARUMAN: Shut up and get to work.

UGLY MEN: That's a broad statement, since we came in to ask what we were supposed to do.

OUTSIDE. The UGLY MEN, otherwise known as ORCS, are pulling down TREES.

ORCS: We're STRONG!

ENVIRONMENTALISTS: RAR! This isn't helping Global Warming, you know!

SARUMAN: DESTROY! DESTROY!

ON TOP OF SARUMAN'S TOWER, we are REUNITED with GANDALF

GANDALF: I'm all _wet!_

-Scene-

**A/N: That was really short, but hey, what can I say? It's a short scene. Um a few notes. I really did spell check the word Isengard, and added it to my computers dictionary. The whole Saruman being cold thing wasn't completely random. I guess a few days before he had to film that scene, Christopher Lee shut his hand in a car door, and he was forced to hide his hand in his sleeve during the filming of that scene, which made him appear a little feeble, in my opinion. So, that's all I really have to say, so review pwease!**


	17. The Midgewater Marshes

**A/N: Uh oh. Guess what I discovered the other day? I had flip-flopped two scenes. I left out the Midgewater Marshes. Oopsies. So, here it is! **

**The Midgewater Marshes (sorry mate)**

The company are STRUGGLING through the infamous MIDGEWATER MARSHES.

MIDGEWATER MARSHES: HEY! Why was I cut out of the theatrical cut!

TOM BOMBADIL: Yeah! Why was _I _cut out of the movie period! Ho Tom Bombadil and whatnot.

MERRY: I hate bugs.

PIPPIN: Me too.

PIPPIN proceeds to FALL DOWN.

PIPPIN: OW!

SAM: HAHAHAHAHA!

PIPPIN: You jerk! You pushed me!

SAM: Who me?

SAM proceeds to FLUTTER his EYELASHES in a completely UN-FLATTERING way.

FRODO: Don't do that again.

STRIDER: I'm TALL!

BILL THE PONY: Here I am!

SAM: I'm leading a dude. Not the pony.

DUDE: Hi mom!

This is what treacherous MARSHES can do to you.

AUDIENCE: What, make you insane?

LATER…

STRIDER: I am STRONG.

DEER: Yeah, I'm getting a free ride.

HOBBITS: Yum…

DEER: Oh snap.

BILL THE PONY: Here I am again!

HOBBITS: We look like the seven dwarfs, but there's only four of us.

STRIDER: Who do I get to play?

FRODO: You're the dwarf that went through his growth spurt.

STRIDER: Which one is that?

MERRY: Grumpy.

SAM: No, that's you.

MERRY: Oh yeah. Wait, if I'm Grumpy, who are you?

PIPPIN: He's Sneezy.

SAM: A-CHOO!

PIPPIN: Guess who I am! Guess guess guess!

MERRY: Annoying?

FRODO: Happy?

PIPPIN: That's the one!

FRODO: Wait, then who am I?

SAM: Doc.

FRODO: …_Why?_

SAM SHRUGS.

STRIDER: I feel so left out.

LATER…AGAIN.

MERRY: Snore…

PIPPIN: ZzZZzz

SAM: Snort snort.

FRODO: Why do all my friends sleep so loudly?

Suddenly, an unexpected voice SINGS OUT…BADLY!

STRIDER: When I come to the club, step aside. Part the seats, don't be having me in the line. VIP cause you know I gotta shine. I'm Fergie Ferg and me love you long time.

FRODO can't TAKE IT ANYMORE.

FRODO: What the hell do you call that?

STRIDER: How come every time you come around my Gondorian Bridge wanna go down, like Gondor, Gondor….

FRODO: LALALA, I'm not LISTENING.

STRIDER: You are so rude.

FRODO: _I'm _rude? Don't even get me started, _O Holy One._

STRIDER: Thank you, thank you.

FRODO SLAPS his FOREHEAD; meanwhile, the remainder of this scene shows us how having STRIDER for a GUIDE really wasn't that GREAT after all.

STRIDER: Shut up and go to sleep.

FRODO: You don't have to tell me twice.

**A/N: Ok, a couple notes about this scene (apart from the fact that it's being posted at the wrong time) One, Billy Boyd says Sean Astin pushed him into the water, two, Bill the Pony wasn't at the marshes scene, and three, at the end of the third movie, or right before it came out, I read something about a scene at the end where the four hobbits were riding at the end. Dominic Monaghan was in a bad mood, Sean Astin was allergic to the horses, Billy Boyd was laughing at everybody, and Elijah Wood was just taking everything in stride. Two girls from the set walked by, and one of them stopped and said, Sneezy, Grumpy, Happy, and Doc. So that's where the seven dwarfs popped up. And I also don't own the song 'London Bridge' by Fergie. That song might just pop up whenever someone sings something. I'm not sure yet. It's already appeared in two versions. The 'Bywater' version, and now the 'Gondor' version. So, I think that's everything I wanted to say, except, of course, review!**


	18. A Knife in the Dark

**A/N: I know it's been a while. I've been swamped with homework these past few weeks, and when I'm not swamped with homework, I'm in a bad mood. Since I just finished baking a cake, I'm good.**

**A Knife in the DARK**

STRIDER and our HOBBITEY HEROS are WALKING.

STRIDER: I spy with my little eye…something that's red.

FRODO: Blood.

SAM: Lipstick.

MERRY: Apples.

SAM and PIPPIN: Strawberries!

STRIDER: You're all idiots. Pippin's cloak!

PIPPIN: What cloak?

PIPPIN SPOTS his CLOAK, which he'd been wearing throughout MOST of the MOVIE.

PIPPIN: Where'd this come from?

AUDIENCE: Don't worry Pippin, we don't know either.

Suddenly, our HOBBITEY HEROS…and STRIDER, come across….

MERRY: A drawing!

STRIDER: I was going to say that tower with the funny name.

THE WITCH-KING is busy planting a flag of SAURON'S INFAMOUS EYE on the TOWER WITH THE FUNNY NAME.

WITCH-KING: I hereby christen this place….Weathertop.

OUR HOBBITEY HEROS…and STRIDER GAZE at the FLAG in WONDER.

FRODO: This place looks safe.

STRIDER: Don't worry, it is.

LATER…

STRIDER is with our HOBBITEY HEROS, on the VERY SAFE WEATHERTOP.

STRIDER: You know what, I'm sick of being left out of the hero part! Here, _hobbitey heros, _take these swords and defend yourselves. I'm outta here!

STRIDER THROWS the SWORDS at the HOBBITS, then STALKS off.

MERRY: He hit me on the head….

PIPPIN: Something that should've been done a long time ago.

FRODO: ZZZzzzZZZ.

SAM: Yay! Frodo's sleeping. I can eat!

MERRY and PIPPIN: ……you couldn't eat _before?_

SAM: Frodo put me on a diet.

MERRY and PIPPIN: _Oooh._

LATER….

FRODO: ZzzzZZ…huh? What?

SAM: Quick, hide the food!

PIPPIN: Burp.

MERRY: Hahahahahahahahaha!

FRODO attempts to THROW his PILLOW at them to shut the up, but the REALIZES that he had been using a ROCK as a PILLOW. The resulting CRASH is loud enough to waken the UNDEAD.

ELVIS: Who goes there?

FRODO: Eep!

OUR HOBBITEY HEROS RUSH up the STONE STEPS.

THE RINGWRAITHS HURRIEDLY RUSH up the STONE STEPS.

THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE.

MERRY: What up?

RINGWRAITHS: DIE!

SAM: DIE!

SAM CHOPS off a LESS IMPORTANT RINGWRAITH'S ARM.

LESS IMPORTANT: 'Tis merely a flesh wound.

HOBBITS: Errr.

MORE IMPORTANT but STILL NOT AS IMPORTANT RINGWRAITHS PUSH SAM OUT OF THE WAY.

MERRY AND PIPPIN BRAVELY JUMP OUT OF THE WAY.

A REALLY SUPER-DUPER IMPORTANT RINGWRAITH i.e THE WITCH-KING RISES to MEET FRODO.

FRODO: Tig?

WITCH-KING: RAR! I HATE TIG!

WITCH-KING angrily STABS FRODO, who's invisible. Coward. Meaning FRODO.

STRIDER jumps out of no where, wielding flaming torches.

STRIDER: HA! WHO'S THE HERO NOW!

FRODO: Ow…

The HOBBITS are all hovering over FRODO worriedly as STRIDER fights off the RINGWRAITHS SINGLE-HANDEDLY.

HOBBITS ex. FRODO: We're heroes!

FRODO: Um…no comment

STRIDER HAS DEFEATED THE RINGWRAITHS.

STRIDER: I detect with my amazing kingly abilities that this creature has been stabbed. We shall save him!

STRIDER picks up FRODO and GRACELESSLY SLINGS him over his shoulder.

FRODO: Ow.

Our HEROES, for STRIDER is now a HERO, run for help.

SAM: He'll never make it!

STRIDER: At least we can say we tried.

SUDDENLY, STRIDER STOPS.

STRIDER: These melons will make fine heads for my decoys.

SAM: Um, crisis…

STRIDER: What are we waiting for?

FRODO: I'm gonna die.

SOMEWHERE ELSE….

GANDALF: I'm afraid of heights.

MOTH: Helloooo.

GANDALF: Finally! I called you months ago!

MOTH: What'll it be?

GANDALF: A Big Mac, and a cherry pie.

MOTH: Right-o!

MOTH flies away.

DOWN BELOW GANDALF…

SARUMAN: Hehe, my friends, we shall DESTROY THE WORLD!

LURTZ: YAY! MURDER!

-Scene-

**A/N: I got distracted in the midst of typing. Ok, so two notes. I don't own the line 'tis merely a flesh wound. That came straight from the Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Also, I don't own Elvis, and I don't _really_ own the whole melons thing with Strider. That's from The Fellowship of the Ring video game for Playstation 2. That line actually belonged to Bree, but I just thought of it, so I thought, what the hell? In that part in the game, you're supposed to be running around Bree collecting stuff for decoy hobbits, and you're being chased by a fat guy with a shield and a bald guy with an eye patch (who's an absolute jerk by the way. I went to talk to him once at the inn, and he said, I don't like you hobbits much. Go away. I threw a rock at him for that;) But I was Strider, and I was fighting both of them, and I was right by the spot where the melons were, and I accidentally collected them, and in the midst of fighting Strider said, these melons will make excellent heads for my little decoys. Of course, after that, I figured out that you didn't have to fight those guys, so I stopped. The moth thing has been a joke for ages. Before the extended version came out, actually. It will reappear near the end of this parody. Speaking of the end, soon (as soon as I'm done with disc one, actually) I will be taking a break to type up several things. One is another parody, untitled as of yet. It's based on the television show _24._ The others are stories that have been severely updated, but have been on before. One is a Harry Potter story **_The Princess's Daughter. _**It's a sequel to my first ever story, but it can stand alone. The other is based on the television show _Lost. _It's called Confidence Woman. I think that's all I have to say now, so, review!**


	19. Flight to the Ford

**A/N: Um, I've got nothing to say. Boo-yah!**

**Flight to the Ford**

STONE TROLL: Looky, a camera. I think I'll point to it!

STONE TROLL POINTS.

STRIDER: This looks like a safe place to rest.

FRODO: Ow.

SAM: Look, stone trolls!

FRODO: Why the hell should I care about stone trolls when I'm _dying _over here?!!!

SAM: Such a pessimist…(hobbit eater)

SAM caringly FEELS FRODO'S FOREHEAD.

SAM: Hm, he's a little cold. Here, Mr. Frodo, wear these gloves so you don't get hypothermia!

SAM hands FRODO some GLOVES.

PIPPIN: Frodo's going to die. Does this mean I get his bike?

MERRY: No fair! I want his bike!

STRIDER: He's not going to die.

MERRY and PIPPIN: DAMMIT!

STRIDER summons SAM to him.

STRIDER: Do you know the athelas plant?

SAM: Yes…why?

STRIDER: I really need a fix.

SAM: I know what you mean.

SAM scurries off.

So does STRIDER.

STRIDER finds a spot of ATHELAS.

STRIDER: Yay!

ARWEN sneaks up behind him.

ARWEN: I THOUGHT WE WERE PAST THIS!

STRIDER: Damn…

FRODO sees ARWEN randomly.

AUDIENCE: How did she talk to Strider with nobody knowing, then randomly re-ride up to Frodo?

ARWEN gracefully DISMOUNTS.

ARWEN: Ow, my foot's caught in the stirrup. OW! My ass.

Or not….

ARWEN sees FRODO.

ARWEN: Yo! Frodo! What's up in the hizzy?

STRIDER: And she yells at me for doing Athelas?! I'm not the one with the freaking _meth _lab!

AUDIENCE: Gasp!

ARWEN: Hey! That's my father's lab!

STRIDER: Your father?

ARWEN: Yeah. You know how hippies are these days.

STRIDER: Indeed.

ARWEN examines FRODO.

ARWEN: Dude, he's dying. Why didn't you like, _do _something about it?

STRIDER: I found melons.

FRODO: Yeah, we know _all _about the _melons._

SAM suddenly notices what ARWEN is.

SAM:OH-EM-GEE! It's an _elf!_

SAM rushes up to ARWEN.

SAM: Can I like, have your autograph?!

ARWEN: You've _got _to be kidding.

STRIDER, once again, SLINGS FRODO over his SHOULDER.

FRODO: DAMMIT DUDE! A little _compassion _would be nice.

STRIDER 'lovingly' throws FRODO onto ARWEN'S HORSE, ASSHOLE….ASFALOTH.

ARWEN mounts ASFALOTH.

STRIDER: Not fair! You always get to ride the horse.

ARWEN: Pansy.

ARWEN rides off, and ASFALOTH kicks STRIDER in the FACE.

HOBBITS: Hahahahahahaha….

STRIDER gives them all a look that could KILL.

HOBBITS: AHAHAHAH….oh.

MEANWHILE.

FRODO: Ninety-nine pints of ale on the wall, ninety-nine pints of ale. Take one down, pass it around, ninety-eight pints of ale on the wall.

ARWEN: Maneater, make you work hard  
Make you spend hard  
Make you want all, of her love  
She's a maneater  
make you buy cars   
make you cut cords  
make you fall, fall in love  
Maneater, make you work hard  
Make you spend hard  
Make you want all, all of her love  
She's a maneater  
make you buy cars  
make you cut cords  
Wish you never ever met her at all

The NAZGUL are FOLLOWING.

NAZGUL: Oh, well imagine, as I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor,  
and I can't help but to hear, no I can't help but to hear an exchanging of words:  
"What a beautiful wedding! What a beautiful wedding!" says a bridesmaid to a waiter.  
"And yes, but what a shame, what a shame, the poor groom's bride is a whore."

AUDIENCE: Wow.

ARWEN: Giddy-up!

ARWEN reaches the RIVER.

ASFALOTH: I'm brave! I go through water!

BLACK HORSES: EEK! Water! We might get our feet wet!

ARWEN taunts the BLACK RIDERS.

ARWEN: Na na nana na!

This, apparently is a code word, for suddenly a great WAVE sweeps the BLACK RIDERS and their HORSES off their feet.

BLACK RIDERS: Take me dancing!

NOT what I MEANT!

FRODO: My song's over, so I think I'll faint.

FRODO swoons.

FRODO: My savior!

ARWEN: Eh…

**A/N: If it seemed rushed at the end, but that's because I'm running out of time. My mom wants to watch Rear Window at five, and it's almost five. Eek! Ok, so, quick note. I don't own Maneater by Nelly Furtado; nor Panic! At the Disco's I Write Sins not Tragedies. The hypothermia line is a shout-out to my friend Brittany. She used to put on her gloves and when I asked why, she said, don't want to get hypothermia! So it became a joke with us for a while. Ok, also, I've decided that if anyone wanted to journey further into my mind to perhaps decipher it, please visit my myspace. Here's the address.**

**www dot myspace dot com/tamismart**

**Thanks, and review!**


	20. Rivendell

**A/N: First, I would like to say I'm so sorry for not posting in over a month! I've been really busy with school and whatnot. I actually hadn't planned on having this up until around Christmas time, but the fates have changed. In other words, SNOW DAY! Which is weird, because we NEVER have snow days in such close proximity. We had one last week too. I think High-Pockets is going senile or something. So, enjoy this next installment!**

**Rivendell**

The scene opens on WHITENESS. Dun da daaaaaa! Then it clears to FRODO'S FACE, looking fairly FEVERISH, if I do say so myself. Doesn't make any SENSE, does it?

FRODO: Where am I? This bed is unfamiliar. Uh oh, I think I vaguely remember something about Athelas, and meth, and, oh yeah, there was ALE! What a good dream! But wait, it wasn't a dream! Then, whose bed is this? And how come I still have my clothes on?

GANDALF: Um, hello, I'm right here, and you're disturbing me very greatly.

FRODO: AH! GANDALF! NOT YOU!

GANDALF, INSULTED AT FIRST, SHAKES his HEAD and MUTTERS,

GANDALF: Dear boy, he doesn't know what he's saying…

FRODO: I know exactly what I'm saying, thank you very much.

GANDALF: Anyways, you're in the House of Elrond, it's ten o'clock in the morning, and it's October 24th.

FRODO: Oh good, I haven't missed Halloween then! Guess what I was going to be?

GANDALF: ….what?

FRODO: I was going to be…a HOBBIT!

GANDALF: Gosh, that'll take careful planning on your part.

PLEASE NOTE THE TEXT-LIKE SARCASM.

FRODO suddenly COMES TO A REALIZATION.

FRODO: Gandalf, you lying bastard! You said you'd meet us, and you didn't! GRRR! Must kill evil wizard.

GANDALF: I was delayed.

FRODO: Of course you were! With your super-fast horse and your MAGIC, I can absolutely see why you were delayed!!!

PLEASE NOTE, YET AGAIN, THE TEXT-LIKE SARCASM.

GANDALF has a FLASHBACK. With MERRY gone, there is NOBODY to CARRY on the TRADITION of LOST'S FLASHBACKS. So GANDALF has to INSTEAD.

FLASHBACK…

SARUMAN: WHAAAT?! You don't wanna hang out anymore?! But Gandaaaaalf….

GANDALF: Oh brother.

GWAIHIR: FLYING is FUN! I'm FREEEEEEEEE! FREE AS A BIRD…wait…

GANDALF: Must…kill….myself.

SARUMAN: It's not FAIR! Nobody ever wants to hang out with me! They say I'm going senile!

GANDALF, in his TORMENT, LEAPS off the TOWER.

GWAIHIR: FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…..OUCH!!!

This last comment was made when GANDALF LANDED ON GWAIHIR'S BACK.

GANDALF: I'm alive? I'm ALIIIVE!

GWAIHIR: Unfortunately.

GANDALF: Take me away, oh faithful eagle brethren.

GWAIHIR: This man's clearly crazy. I'll take him to that psychologist guy…whatshisface…Eggnog?

GWAIHIR begins to SING.

GWAIHIR: Over the mountains and through the clouds, to Eggnog's house we go.

END FLASHBACK.

FRODO: ZZZzzzZZZ. Huh, what? Is it over? Thank goodness.

Suddenly, SAM SHOWS UP.

SAM: Mr. Frodo, Mr. Frodo! I love you!

GANDALF thinks SAM'S CONCERN is TOUCHING, FRODO finds it SICKENING.

GANDALF: Sam has hardly left your side.

FRODO: No wonder I was looking so feverish at the beginning of this scene.

Then, yet another unwanted person comes into the scene.

ELROND: Welcome to the House of Rivendell, may I take your order?

**A/N: So, that's done. Um, the only slight disclaimer I think is when I mentioned Saruman going senile. That just came from my author's note up above. And eggnog. I LOVE EGGNOG. I also don't own Gwaihir's song. So, review. No idea when the next chapter will be up. Maybe next snow day, but I don't think we'll have one. So probably Christmas Break. That's when I'll finish up part one for sure, then I'll take a short hiatus to get some of my other stories underway. So, until next time, review!**


	21. Many Meetings

**IMPORTANT!!!!! I am deeply insulted. I posted the last chapter two weeks ago, and NO ONE review. I understand, of course, that with the holidays approaching, it makes reviews less and less, but I would've expected a review by NOW! I also understand that I probably won't be getting any reviews for this chapter either, but that's understandable, seeing as how today is Christmas Eve. **

**On a happier note, tomorrow, I'm changing my pen name, to Theo Stollers Lover. Just giving you guys a heads up!**

**Many Meetings**

FRODO is WANDERING around RIVENDELL, being FOLLOWED by SAM.

FRODO: I need to take my Capri-type things to the dry cleaners.

SAM: Look at the pretty…dead….leaves.

FRODO: Beautiful.

NOT REALLY.

Suddenly, MERRY and PIPPIN pop up out of NOWHERE, and it's LAUGHTER GALORE.

MERRY: HAHAHA! Hug!

PIPPIN: HAHAHA! Hug!

SAM: HAHAHAHA. Snort.

FRODO: Giggle!

MERRY is EATING an APPLE, and being a FAT, GREEDY HOBBIT, he's not SHARING.

SAM: APPLE!

PIPPIN: MINE!

MERRY: NEVER!!!!

FRODO: You know what? I think I'll leave.

FRODO hurriedly takes off, just in TIME, as his HOBBITY friends have now started a brutal fight, all for an APPLE CORE.

FRODO sees BILBO.

FRODO: BILBOOOOO!

FRODO runs towards BILBO, but as he gets CLOSER, he SLIDES to a STOP.

FRODO: Good god! What happened to you?!

BILBO: Botox. In Mexico.

FRODO: Aah. Didn't you learn anything from what happened to Gandalf?.

BILBO: No.

BILBO, in order to draw attention away from his HIDEOUS face, shows FRODO a HIDEOUS BOOK.

FRODO: There and Back Again: A Hobbit's Tale, by Bilbo Baggins. PLAGERISM!

JRR TOLKIEN: Again with the plagiarizing! Can't you think up your _own _ideas?

BILBO: Um, no.

JRR TOLKIEN: Some actors…

BILBO then begins to TELL a BORING STORY.

BILBO: I meant to go back, and right the wrongs of this cruel world. Visit creepy dark forests and sell girl-scout cookies. Visit that one guy that the author of this particular parody always forgets about when she reads The Hobbit. See the Sad and Lonely Mountain again. But I'm too old now.

AUDIENCE: I'll say.

FRODO: Ditto.

FRODO FLIPS through the PAGES of the HIDEOUS book.

FRODO: My, my Bilbo. You have _way _too much time on your hands.

BILBO: I know.

FRODO: Goodbye loser.

LATER, we COME UPON SAM. Oh this scene is WROUGHT with EMOTIONAL characters.

SAM IS PACKING.

SAM: What have I forgotten?

FRODO: Packed already?

SAM is ANNOYED, DISTRACTED, and FAT. Which accounts for his REACTION.

SAM: Weren't you _listening?! _I just said **now what have I forgotten? **That means I'm NOT PACKED!!!

FRODO: Geez.

SAM: Oh, clean underwear! I have so few pairs, it's so easy to forget about it.

AUDIENCE: Um, ew.

FRODO: I'm insulted by your yelling at me, and the apparent fact that you don't want to see the elves!

SAM: Blah, blah, blah! That's all I ever hear from you, _Elijah._

FRODO: Gasp!

SAM: It's always about what _you _want! What about what _I _want?! Huh?

FRODO: Whatever.

FRODO LEAVES the SCENE.

SAM: HEY! I'M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU! YOU GET BACK HERE, YOU HEAR! YOU HAVEN'T HEARD THE LAST OF ME! Oh bugger.

FRODO is behind a random STATUE. There are A LOT of those in RIVENDELL.

FRODO: He is _so _getting docked in pay when we get home.

-Scene-

**A/N: Can you guys _please _review this time? I'll personally thank you over the internet.**


	22. The Fate of the Ring

**A/N: I meant to post this like, two days ago. Whoops. **

**The Fate of the Ring**

We had LAST LEFT at FRODO and SAM, ARGUING and WHATNOT.

ELROND: His strength returns.

GANDALF: Indeed. He's just as good at hiding from Samwise as ever.

ELROND: Yes, yes.

There is an AWKWARD SILENCE.

GANDALF: Yes…

ELROND: Ah, yes.

GANDALF: Um, ahem, that wound will never fully heal.

ELROND: So? That's _not _my problem. And anyways, to come so far, still bearing the ring…well, it's amazing. Isildur sure didn't get far at all.

GANDALF: I can't wait until Frodo meets the orcs. Then we'll have a fine show.

ELROND: Indeed.

GANDALF: Actually, I've had a change of heart. We can ask no more of Frodo.

ELROND: The ring must be destroyed. I nominate Frodo.

GANDALF SIGHS. Once an AGENT, always an AGENT.

ELROND: Saruman has betrayed us.

GANDALF: I know. I was there.

ELROND: Yes, well, that's bad.

GANDALF: What the bloody hell do you want me to do about it?!

GANDALF then GOES into GRAPHIC DETAIL about how SARUMAN has CROSSED ORCS with GOBLINS. Much too GRAPHIC for a 'T' RATED PARODY.

ELROND: What_ever._ It's time for the party!

PETER SELLERS: YAY! Birdy num-num.

BOROMIR: Here I come! In _sloooow mooootiooon. _

BOROMIR'S HORSE: _Neeeiiigh._

LEGOLAS: La de da de da. I'm so skilled at leaping off this horse. I did it without breaking a nail!

GIMLI: I'm tough. And I'm ready to RUMBLE! Dun dun, da da dada.

GLOIN: Life sucks. I was in the book, and I was like, Yo, Frodo, what up dawg? But _here _I'm like, Rivendell…_great. _

ELROND: Resistance is futile.

GANDALF: Huh?

ELROND: Dwarves are greedy, wizards are lazy, hobbits are stupid, and men are weak.

GANDALF: What about elves? What are you?

ELROND: Elves? Elves are too cool to be true.

LEGOLAS: You got that right!

FLASHBACK….

Just after ISILDUR GAINS the RING, ELROND comes and TELLS him to FOLLOW HIM.

ELROND: Follow me.

ISILDUR: No.

ELROND YANKS ISILDUR to his FEET and DRAGS him up the MOUNTAIN by his HAIR.

ISILDUR: Ow, ow, ow, ow.

When they reach the MOUNTAIN TOP, ELROND TELLS ISILDUR TO DESTROY 'IT'.

ELROND: Cast it into the fire?

ISILDUR: Cast _what _into the fire?

ELROND: _It._

ISILDUR: Whatever crazy man.

ISILDUR STALKS AWAY.

ELROND: Isildur!

ISILDUR is out of HEARING.

ELROND: Why does no one ever _listen _to me?

END FLASHBACK…

ELROND: …and that's how this whole thing started.

GANDALF: Sorry, what? I wasn't listening.

ELROND: Why does no one ever _listen _to me?

GANDALF: Gee, I don't know. Maybe it's the whole, hippie in a dress look.

ELROND: Hey! I look like David Bowie. Everyone likes David Bowie.

GANDALF: Ew.

GANDALF hastily changes the SUBJECT.

GANDALF: There is one man who can restore order and fix Isildur's fuck up.

ELROND: Not…_him. _He's a LOSER.

GANDALF: I know.

**A/N: If you haven't seen either The Party, or the original Pink Panther movies, shame on you! I've been waiting to spoof the 'Matrix' for a while. Even though I've only ever seen the end of the first one, I've played the video game, which is fun (if you have cheats;). So, REVIEW OR DIE.**


	23. The Sword that was Broken

**A/N: My best friend and I have started a myspace where we review movies, if anyone's interested. The URL is www dot myspace dot com/eggnoglovers. We have two movies already. This'll probably be short. Just so you know.**

**The Sword That Was Broken**

BOROMIR is LOOKING at a PAINTING of ISILDUR, being 'BRAVE'. Then, with his SPIDEY-SENSES, he SENSES STRIDER, who we must now call ERAGON. I mean, ARAGORN.

BOROMIR: Hey, you're not an elf.

ARAGORN: No dip Sherlock.

BOROMIR: Who are you?

ARAGORN: I am a friend of Gandalf the Grey.

BOROMIR: That doesn't answer my question.

ARAGORN IGNORES HIM, and continues reading his AMERICAN HISTORY BOOK.

BOROMIR WANDERS to a STATUE. HE PICKS UP A BROKEN SWORD.

BOROMIR: Excuse me, is this for sale?

STATUE: …..

BOROMIR: Nice and sharp. But is it sharp enough to cut off my finger.

BOROMIR PROMPTLY CUTS OFF HIS FINGER.

BOROMIR: Yep. How much?

STATUE: …..

BOROMIR: Fine, be that way.

BOROMIR STALKS OFF, THROWING THE SWORD DOWN.

ARAGORN: Elbereth, this book is boring.

ARAGORN THROWS DOWN his BOOK and PICKS UP the BROKEN SWORD and SETS it back where it CAME FROM.

ARAGORN: Don't mind him. He's just jealous that you wouldn't sell it. How much?

STATUE: …..

ARAGORN: Fine, be that way.

SUDDENLY, a SHADOW appears.

AUDIENCE: Aragorn's going to be attacked! Yay. Finally.

ARWEN APPEARS.

AUDIENCE: …By his girlfriend? That's not right.

ARWEN: Talking to statues again, are you?

ARAGORN: It is my fate.

ARWEN: A sad fate that I wish to overturn.

ARAGORN: You cannot help me.

ARWEN: Noo, you're beyond help darling. I actually came to help you back to your nice, dark, padded room.

ARAGORN: I don't wanna go there!!!

ARWEN BEGINS TO SPEAK ELVISH.

ARWEN: Blah blah, elvish, blah blah.

ARAGORN: Huh? You know I can't understand you.

-Scene-

**A/N: Told you it'd be short. It's a really short scene in the movie. Review.**


	24. The Evenstar

**A/N: I have no life. Happy 2007 people!!!**

**The Evenstar**

ARAGORN and ARWEN are STANDING on A BRIDGE.

ARAGORN: This bridge is so random.

ARWEN: You know daddy. He's all into training and whatnot. I'm not so interested in that kind of stuff.

ARWEN PROCEEDS to SPEAK in ELVISH. SINCE THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE to PARODY, LETS MAKE IT ENGLISH, for my SANITY.

ARWEN: Do you remember when we first met?

ARAGORN: I thought I had strayed into a nightmare.

ARWEN: WHAT?!

ARWEN SLAPS ARAGORN.

AUDIENCE: Yay! We've been wanting to do that ever since he showed up.

ARWEN: A long time has passed. You're older now, and uglier.

ARAGORN: Thanks.

ARWEN: Do you remember what I told you?

ARAGORN: ….no.

ARAGORN is now RANDOMLY SPEAKING ENGLISH.

ARWEN: I was hoping you would remember, because I don't. But you don't either. Humph. Isn't my necklace pretty.

ARAGORN: Shiny…

ARAGORN'S EYES are GLAZED and he LICKS HIS LIPS, but he's not STARING at the NECKLACE; HE'S STARING AT SOMETHING ELSE.

ARWEN somehow MAGICALLY gives him her PRETTY NECKLACE.

AUDIENCE: Woah woah woah, how the _heck _did that magically transport to her hand?!

ARWEN: I'm an elf, ok?!

ARAGORN: You cannot give me this.

ARWEN: Truth be told, I probably shouldn't, but it's a cheap piece of shit, so, it's yours.

ARAGORN: I love you.

They MAKE-OUT.

**A/N: Do you remember when I said some chapters would be both immensely short and incredibly boring? The last two chapters have clearly demonstrated this. Sorry. But I'll make up for it tomorrow, with the Council of Elrond. That's like, my least favorite chapter in the first book. Um, Eragon is like, the best movie ever, oh contraire to what the stupid critics say. REVIEW, and have a happy new year!!!**


	25. The Council of Elrond

**A/N: I'm a liar. Ok, this'll be the last chapter for a while. I have mid-terms next week, and then I want to get working on several stories. Three of which I've already started. One is a Harry Potter story, The Princess's Daughter, and another is my Eragon story, Fantastical Love. My best friend and I have also started a joint story based off of Eragon, called Waíse Heill. None of those have been posted yet, but yeah, that's what'll be keeping me back.**

**The Council of Elrond**

COUNCIL can be spelled any number of ways. One such way is, as it appears in the title for this SCENE, COUNCIL, in which case this SCENE should really be titled THE BOARD OF ELROND. It can also be spelled COUNSEL, which would make this SCENE title THE ADVICE OF ELROND. It's a better fit if you ask me.

Back to our REGULARLY SCHEDULED SCENE.

ELROND is MAKING A SPEECH.

ELROND: O strangers from Far, Far Away. You have been summoned to answer to phone of Murder.

GALDOR: Hi, my name's Galdor. I'm not in the movie, but I'm in the book. I have a question. Is Sauron ignoring your calls _again? _

ELROND: I'm afraid he is. Anyways-

GANDALF: Any_way, _not any_ways._

ELROND: Thank you for correcting my grammar. Any_way _Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it, for destruction is like…is like an endless abyss. You just keep falling and falling and falling and falling and falling and falling and falling and falling and falling….

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER.

ELRONG: And falling and falling. You will unite, or you will fall. You will keep falling and falling and falling and falling and falling and falling and falling and falling..

AN HOUR LATER.

ELROND: And falling. Each race is bound to its fate. Well, except the Elves, we get lucky and escape to the seas. Bring the Ring here, Frodo.

FRODO looks TROUBLED.

FRODO: Gandalf told me to not use it and whatnot.

ELROND: I don't want you to pull a Houdini, I just want you to show the Council (Coun_SEL) _the evilness of that toy from Sauron's Pirates of the Caribbean cereal box.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW, ELIZABETH SWANN, and WILL TURNER: We're b_aaack_.

FRODO: Oh no, not you guys again!

ELROND: Ahem. The _RING! _

FRODO: Would you believe me if I told you I lost it?

JACK BLACK: I would.

FRODO: Ew. Get away from me.

ELROND TAPS HIS FOOT IMPATIENTLY.

FRODO: Oh, right.

FRODO PUTS THE RING on the CONVIENT PEDESTAL.

GIMLI: Wow, that's helpful. If I strain my eyes hard enough, I can just barely make out a shimmer of light on that pedestal.

FRODO: Would you prefer I put it in the middle of the floor.

JACK SPARROW: Aye.

FRODO: Huh?

ELROND: Shut up, both of you.

BOROMIR stands up and MAKES A PROFOUND SPEECH.

BOROMIR: I have a dream, that one day, our brothers, and our brothers' brothers, and our brothers' brothers' sisters will be able to sit with freedom in the house of Murder.

AND SO ON AND SO FORTH.

BOROMIR REACHES for THE RING.

ELROND: BOROMIR!

GANDALF: _Nooooooo! _I shall now deliver to you….BLACK SPEECH.

LEGOLAS CLOSES HIS EYES IN HORROR.

LEGOLAS: Oh my achy-breaky heart.

ELROND LOOKS HORRIFIED.

ELROND: Legolas Greenleaf, you know perfectly well that that song was outlawed in the year 33 H.M

H.M STANDS for 'HAIR METAL'.

BOROMIR: Use the ring! It's just a toy, after all.

GIMLI: Still can't see it.

GLOIN: Oh my son, do shut up. We're courteous dwarves, unlike Elrond.

ELROND SCOFFS.

ELROND: I daresay I'm not a courteous _dwarf, _master midget.

GLOIN GROWLS.

ARAGORN: Hello! Have you forgotten me? I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, son of Aragorn, son of Arathorn, King of Gondor.

LEGOLAS: Ah yes. Your family reeks with creativity.

BOROMIR is ASTONISHED to LEARN THAT GONDOR HAS A KING. Yet, HE is in DENIAL.

BOROMIR: Gondor has no pants, Gondor needs no pants.

ARAGORN: Um, ew.

GANDALF: Aragorn is right. The Ring is unusable, and unrecyclable, and, most importantly, unreturnable.

ELROND: It is nonrefundable.

BILBO: Why am I not here?

ELROND: Why are you here now?

BILBO: With my super-sonic hobbit ears, I heard you say that the Ring was nonrefundable. I came to complain.

ELROND: Go away.

BILBO: Ok.

BILBO LEAVES.

ELROND: The Ring must be destroyed.

GALDOR: I have another question.

ELROND: What's that?

GALDOR: Why must the word Ring always be capitalized?

ELROND:…….

GALDOR: Huh?

ELROND: What kind of a question was that?

GALDOR: No, no, no. Don't respond to my question with a question of your own!

ELROND: I don't _know _and I really don't _care. _

GALDOR: Grumpy. Jeez. Just wondering.

ANYWAY…(not ANYWAYS)

GIMLI: I shall destroy the Ring, and then George Bush will award me the Medal of Honor.

COUNCIL: Fat chance.

GIMLI ATTEMPTS to DESTROY the RING. It doesn't WORK.

GIMLI: My axe! Oh well, I'll magically get a new one somehow.

PETER JACKSON: It's a movie.

GIMLI: That explains it.

ELROND: The Ring cannot be destroyed by any craft that we possess.

GIMLI: How contradictory! First he was like, the Ring must be destroyed, then after the Ring destroyed my axe, he's like, oh, no, it cannot be destroyed.

ELROND: It's not contradictory at all. I was stating what had to happen in order for the world to be at peace with itself. I never said it was possible.

THE COUNCIL DECIDES that IT'S HIGH TIME TO FIGHT. RESPECTABLY, OF COURSE.

JACK BLACK: Beards, head bands, piercings!

JACK SPARROW: Cereal, rum!

ELIZABETH: Will!

WILL: Elizabeth!

LEGOLAS: Shampoo.

FRODO: This is ridiculous. _I'll _bloody take the bloody Ring.

COUNCIL: Good.

FRODO GETS INTO HEROISM.

FRODO: I will take it, although I don't know the way.

GANDALF: That's what maps are for laddie. I will accompany you in order to carry your map.

ARAGORN: You have my sword.

LEGOLAS: And my bow.

GIMLI: And my axe.

FRODO: Oh, thank you! I've always wanted a sword, a bow, and an axe.

BOROMIR: I'll come too.

FRODO: What are you going to give me?

BOROMIR: Nothing. You're not _that _important you know.

SAM: I'm a-comin'. Can't go to Murder without a gardener. That's wrong, that is.

COUNCIL: And he'll be out of our hair.

MERRY and PIPPIN: We're coming!

FRODO: I'm one step ahead of you. At least I know where we're going!

MERRY and PIPPIN: One step at a time.

**A/N: I'm done. D-U-N. I'm so happy. LOL. A few disclaimers. I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean, nor it's incredibly delicious cereal. I don't own the Jack Black skit from 2002. Disturbingly funny. It's on the first disc of the extended version. Watch it if you haven't. The 'Gondor has no pants line' comes from the CARTOON version of the Lord of the Rings. The men in that movie didn't wear pants. They had weird skirt things. And Boromir looked like a Viking. Weird. The whole, grammar thing near the beginning (anyways, anyway) is a true story, and a long one. Drop me a Private Message if you care to hear it. I do not own the song Achy-Breaky Heart, and I don't know who sings it, either. I just know that it was on VH1's Top 40 worst songs ever. I obviously don't own Martin Luther King's 'I Have a Dream' speech. I got to go, so I'll close with this note: REVIEW!!!!!!**


	26. Gilraen's Memorial

**A/N: It has been too long my dear friends. Without further ado, I give you a new chapter. For all 24 fans, check out my 24 parody The Longest Parody of My Life. You can find it at the bottom of my hideously long profile.**

**Gilraen's Memorial**

ARAGORN is CLEANING his MOTHER'S GRAVE.

ARAGORN: When I grow up to be dead, I want a grave just like this.

ELROND: Yeah, I just happened to be stalking you here, and I couldn't help but hear you. _When I grow up to be dead? _You have problems.

ARAGORN: I know. But so does everybody else. That's the point of a movie. The characters have problems and magnificently overcome them.

ELROND: What problems must Pippin overcome?

ARAGORN: Enormous stupidity.

ELROND: And Gandalf?

ARAGORN: His mid-life crisis.

ELROND suddenly GLARES.

ELROND: And me?

ARAGORN: Your drug problem.

ELROND quickly glances around to make sure no one has HEARD LOUD-MOUTHED ARAGORN.

ELROND: Shh…

ELROND proceeds to SPEAK IN RANDOM ELVISH.

ELROND: She wanted to protect you.

ARAGORN: Not listening, not listening!

ELROND: No one ever listens to me. That's what happens at all the bloody Councils.

ARAGORN: Not our fault you have all the excitement of watching grass grow.

ELROND: I resent that! It's fun to watch grass grow.

ARAGORN: You need a life man.

ELROND: I know.

ELROND proceeds to randomly talk in ENGLISH.

ELROND: Surprise! We were talking about your mother.

ARAGORN: What did you say about my mother?!

ELROND WHISTLES INNOCENTLY.

ARAGORN: I don't want power!

ELROND: Yes you do. I mean, why else would you be traveling with Frodo?

ARAGORN: I don't know. Because I've got nothing better to do?

ELROND: _No. _Because you're trying to impress my daughter. But I am in denial about the impending relationship between the two of you, therefore, you want power. Or death. Pick.

ARAGORN: Power over death…I think I'll go with the former.

ELROND: You see! I was right! You _do _want that power.

And hereby CONCLUDES the MOST POINTLESS SCENE in the HISTORY of THE LORD OF THE RINGS. No wonder it was CUT OUT.

**A/N: Yeah, that was short, sadly, but there are plenty of lengthy scenes approaching. I was going to post this over spring break, but the document manager was being evil. Review! I reply!**


	27. Bilbo's Gifts

**A/N: Another short scene, more than likely. I never liked this scene, and I think it was because…actually, I don't know. But I don't like it. Also, I don't own the movie Pleasantville**

**Bilbo's Gifts**

FRODO ENTERS BILBO'S room.

FRODO: Hiya Bilbo!

BILBO: Hiya Frodo!

FRODO:…Hiya Bilbo!

BILBO looks CONFUSED.

BILBO: Hiya…Frodo.

AUDIENCE: Frodo had a character glitch.

FRODO: I'm saying goodbye!

BILBO: Where are you going?

FRODO is ALSO CONFUSED.

FRODO: You know, I'm going to Mordor, to do stuff.

BILBO: Oh that's nice. What kind of stuff?

FRODO: Oh, nothing much. Just save the world from absolute destruction.

BILBO: Really? I did that once!

FRODO: Really?

BILBO: For full details, see my published works! When are you going?

FRODO: Today. So I have no clue what I'm doing up here when I should be leaving.

BILBO: It's a plot point dummy. When was it decided that you were going?

FRODO: Silly! You know that it was decided at the Council!

BILBO: What Council? I wasn't invited to any Council!

FRODO: You weren't? That's odd.

AUDIENCE/BOOK FANS(excluding the author because she hadn't read the books at the time of the movie): That is odd…

They MOVE AWAY from the DEPRESSING conversation.

BILBO: Here, have my sword!

FRODO: Oh, thanks. I already have a sword of my own though.

BILBO: It…broke.

FRODO: Silly old man. You're thinking of the book!

BILBO starts to CRY.

BILBO: I'm so confused! My whole world's outta whack!

FRODO: Be that as it may, I don't need you're sword.

BILBO: It's a plot device. And it gives this scene meaning.

FRODO: Maybe. But I still don't need it.

BILBO promptly DRAWS STING.

FRODO: Ooh, shiny! A lot shinier than that other sword.

BILBO: Do you know why that is?

FRODO: Um, because this sword is more important and has an exciting back story?

BILBO: No. Because it's not only a plot device, it's a walking, talking, breathing, living, foreshadowing device.

FRODO: Now that's just creepy.

BILBO: Just take the damn sword so I can leave and never be seen until the end of the third movie and he audience will laugh hysterically at my oldness.

FRODO takes the SWORD.

BILBO: Here, take this shiny shirt too.

FRODO: NO! That looks like it belongs in the women's section of Marshall Fields.

BILBO: Ahem. Foreshadowing.

FRODO: Oh alright!

FRODO reluctantly takes the SHIRT and tries it on.

BILBO: Oh, the RING! Pretty…

FRODO: I shall button my shirt again and make you angry!

He does just that.

BILBO: RAR!

BILBO proceeds to CRY.

And so ends the SECOND MOST POINTLESS SCENE.

**A/N: That was surprisingly fun. What is with this site?! I mean, first the document manager, and then the alerts. I had 15 e-mails this morning, and all because of the alert system going kablowie. Review.**


	28. The Departure of the Fellowship

**A/N: I meant to post a lot earlier, but exams got in the way. I've got two (almost three) parodies underway, and several stories, both for fanfiction and fictiopress, and I have a bit more of a life than I did last year, so updates will be occurring less than they were last summer (remember, like, one update everyday?), but I will never give up on this. Actually, I was watching the movies again, and I got funny ideas for this parody. When you're done reading this, my best friend Brittany (fanfiction pen name: Benry Gale) and I have set up a fanfiction account together. It's called The Adventures of T and B (I tried our whole names, but Tamara and Brittany didn't fit). Brittany's in the process of typing up an Eragon fic that we wrote together, and that was in progress for five months. We just recently have started a story revolving around the T.V show Lost, but that one isn't completed yet. I'll get it back in a week or so. But the Eragon story isn't a parody, just plain humor, with a touch of action, angst, drama, and romance. Mostly humor though. **

**The Departure of the Fellowship**

The FELLOWSHIP is DEPARTING. At least, that's what the AUDIENCE must ASSUME.

ELROND: In case the audience was sleeping through the first half of the movie, I'll recap.

PREVIOUSLY ON THE LORD OF THE RINGS…

ELROND: The Ringbearer…

FRODO: That's ME! I have a name you know!

ELROND continues as if there was no interruption.

ELROND: Is setting out on a quest for Mount Doom.

SAURON is watching this display on DIRECTV.

SAURON: I'll be waiting! Mwahahahaha!!!

ELROND continues…

ELROND: If you who travel with him choose to fight, good for you! For those of you who fight to run away, even better!

The CAMERA shows everyone's faces…except BOROMIR'S.

BOROMIR: That's because I'm edited in digitally!

ARWEN: Hello! Here I am again!

ARAGORN: I have nothing to say to you Arwen that can profess our love…except that our names start with the same letter.

ELROND continues…

ELROND: Begone! Never darken my doorstep again!!!

BOROMIR: I…am….a…robot…

FRODO: Ow! On my knees, ow ow ow ow!

SAM: Hello!

LEGOLAS: I am regal, and I bow my head at you Elrond.

LEGOLAS bows his head at ELROND.

MERRY: Why are we here again?

PIPPIN: I have no clue. And why the hell are you asking _me_?!

GANDALF: Um, I'm OLD!

FRODO: EEK! I don't know how to get to Mordor!

GANDALF: Turn….left.

ELROND converses with his advisors.

ELROND: We are screwed.

ERESTOR: Yeah, pretty much.

ELROND: Well, off to the Grey Havens!

**A/N: Review!**


	29. The Ring Goes South

**A/N: This scene makes me chuckle, even in the movie, because I keep thinking of all the wonderful jokes to make.**

**The Ring Goes South**

In case the AUDIENCE is INCREDIBLY STUPID, GANDALF does a brief EXPLANATION of WHAT SHALL OCCUR.

GANDALF: We are screwed. So, even though in the book I was all 'WE CAN'T TAKE THE GAP OF ROHAN!' here I shall be all 'Let's take the Gap of Rohan because I don't want to get my precious beard wet.'

At the CAMP, BOROMIR is TRYING and FAILING to TEACH MERRY and PIPPIN how to SWORD FIGHT.

BOROMIR: Count…that way I seem like I know what I'm talking about. You're doing good Merry.

PIPPIN: I'm Pippin.

MERRY: No one can ever tell us apart.

ARAGORN is GIVING INSTRUCTIONS.

ARAGORN: Move your feet! And, first position everyone!

MERRY: You look good Pippin. Strange how I'm noticing this kind of stuff….

BOROMIR: Insert parody joke which will disturb even the author here.

GIMLI is COMPLAINING.

GIMLI: My daddy says that everyone here should listen to _me_. Because I'm better than you and I know the mountains, and for various other reasons as well. Let's take the Mines of Moria!

GANDALF: No.

LEGOLAS is STANDING on a ROCK. His sole contribution to this scene is LOOKING PRETTY.

LEGOLAS: L'oreal. Because I'm worth it!

PIPPIN and BOROMIR are still JOUSTING.

PIPPIN: OW! You hurt my hand!

MERRY: Hobbit attack!!!

BOROMIR: This little piggy went to the market, this little piggy stayed home. This little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none.

PIPPIN: Oh no!

ARAGORN: I'm coming to break up the fight!

MERRY and PIPPIN TRIP ARAGORN.

ARAGORN: Gasp! I dropped my apple!

MERRY: MINE!!!!!!

LEGOLAS: Hello! I'm still standing here looking pretty! Oh, what a pretty bird!

GANDALF: _Whaaaat?! _

ARAGORN: RUN AWAY! RUN RUN RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BOROMIR ROLLS his EYES.

BOROMIR: And _that's _future king?! At least Hitler didn't run away when he saw birdies.

The FELLOWSHIP HIDES UNDER BRANCHES and CONVENIENT ROCKS.

BIRDS: There's the Fellowship! Off to report!

GIMLI: Clearly, this passage is unsafe. We must take the Mines of Moria.

GANDALF: Well, plan A failed. We must take the Path of Caradhras.

**A/N: Yeah, I'm done, with not much to say, except that Frodo and Sam didn't get to say anything. You know what to do!!!**


	30. The Pass of Caradhras

**A/N: If there was one word to describe me, it'd be lazy. On with the show.**

**The Pass of Caradhras**

The FELLOWSHIP is STRUGGLING across a MOUNTAIN.

AUDIENCE: Brrrr….

FELLOWSHIP minus LEGOLAS: Brrrrrr…..

FRODO trips and TUMBLES down the MOUNTAIN.

FRODO: Brrr…

ELIJAH WOOD: Gasp! This fake snow is uncomfortable.

PETER JACKSON: Then I'll just throw you in a mountain, shall I?

ELIJAH: No, I'm good thanks.

ARAGORN: Haha! You idiot! You fell down!

FRODO: Well help me up!

ARAGORN: Oh alright…

ARAGORN helps FRODO up.

BOROMIR picks up the RING, which MAGICALLY FELL OFF.

BOROMIR: I've got the ring, I've got the ring!!!

ARAGORN GLARES.

ARAGORN: I don't like you. Give the Ring back, or I shall fight you. Rar!

BOROMIR: Fine. I didn't want the bloody thing anyway.

MEANWHILE in ORTHANC….

SARUMAN: Hello!

BIRDS: Caw caw!

SARUMAN: I have Gandalf's ability to narrate. It's a wizard thing.

Back to the MOUNTAIN….

FELLOWSHIP: Brrr….

LEGOLAS: There is a fell voice in the air.

GANDALF: I can sing. It's Sarum_aaaaaaaaaaaaan._

SARUMAN: Doe, a dear, a female dear, re, a drop of golden _suuuuuun. _Etc…

CARADHRAS: Snow attack!!!!

FELLOWSHIP: Uh oh.

The FELLOWSHIP becomes _BRRRR_IED.

BOROMIR: We must go to the Gap of Rohan.

ARAGORN: Although we already took that pass, I have decided that we cannot take that path because it is too dangerous. I disagree with _him. _

GIMLI: All in favor of Moria?

GANDALF: I'll ask the most clueless of the lot…Frodo?

BOROMIR: It's _cold. _

MERRY and PIPPIN: Brrr….

FRODO: Peer pressure will do anybody in. We will go through the mines.

GANDALF: I hate my life.

**A/N: I am not fond of that scene in the movie or this chapter, but I came to the realization that I should totally get cracking on this parody.**


	31. Moria

**A/N: Did you all miss me? Sorry for not updating in forever. For those of you that were awaiting the update, let me tell you that in between updates, I post my progress on my profile.**

**Moria**

The FELLOWSHIP seems to have forgotten about the cold, although they still appear to be a bit snow covered.

GANDALF: Frodo! Come help me! I don't know how you can possibly help me though. You're like, two feet tall. How's your shoulder?

FRODO is feeling LOST already.

FRODO: Um, it's ok I suppose.

GANDALF: And how is that darling ring of yours?

FRODO: Well! I never.

GANDALF: Allow me to say dramatic things.

ARAGORN walks by DRAMATICALLY and GANDALF and FRODO look at him, DRAMATICALLY of course. GIMLI pauses DRAMATICALLY.

GIMLI: Home sweet home! Dwarf doors are invisible when closed you know.

LEGOLAS: My, that's convienient.

GANDALF walks up to the special door place, which he magically knows the location of. He does a bit of hocus pocus.

GANDALF: Abra cadabra!

The door LIGHTS UP.

AUDIENCE: Oooh, aaah.**  
**

GANDALF: I magically know the words to open up…or not.

MERRY: Gosh, I wonder if it's the Elvish word for friend.

GANDALF: Don't be silly you stupid hobbit!

PIPPIN: Gandalf can't seem to open the door Legolas.

LEGOLAS: Why are you telling me this you stupid hobbit?

ARAGORN: Let Bill go, Sam.

SAM: Waaah!

AUDIENCE: You know, it's funny. He didn't seem that close to Bill throughout the rest of the movie.

GANDALF is still LOST and CONFUSED.

GANDALF: I don't understand it. I used to know every spell ever spawned.

BOROMIR: Gee, I don't suppose anybody could've _possibly _thought of a new password!

FRODO: I agree Boromir. I mean, my myspace password isn't anything of importance, like everything in the wide world seems to be.

SAM: What is your myspace password Frodo?

FRODO: It's…um….oh dear. I've forgotten.

ARAGORN: And you trust _him _with the Ring?!

LEGOLAS: He's going senile.

MERRY and PIPPIN, who are too YOUNG to have a myspace (you must be at least forty-seven), are bored, so they start skipping rocks.

ARAGORN: GAH! You guys are _stupid! _

MERRY: So Gandalf said.

WATER: Ripple ripple ripple.

FRODO: How ominous.

SUDDENLY, a LIGHT BULB appears over FRODO'S head.

FRODO: Hey Gandalf, do you think this password is the Elvish word for friend?

GANDALF: It might be. _Mellon. _

MERRY: HEY! That's what I said!!!

BOROMIR: We want more of Frodo, less of you.

MERRY: Oh, that makes sense.

They enter the mines, and they are greeted by cheerful skeletons!

LEGOLAS: That must have been some party! They're still grinning.

GANDALF: Yeah, how about that?

WATCHER IN THE WATER: Hello! Eenie meenie miney moe, catch a hobbit by the toe.

FRODO goes down with a crash!

FRODO: AAAH!

PIPPIN: I wanna go on the ride next!

LEGOLAS: Allow me to shoot an arrow at the tentacle attached to Frodo's foot!

FRODO: Ah! Watch what you're doing you flower-sniffing, primping, pirate wannabe elf!

FRODO falls from the sky.

BOROMIR: I'll catch you Frodo!

FRODO falls with a splash!

BOROMIR: Ok, I'll fish you out of the water Frodo. Almost as good, huh?

FRODO: Grumble grumble.

ARAGORN: Run awaaaaaaaaaay!

BOROMIR mimics Aragorn.

BOROMIR: I'm King of Gondor. I'm brave. And handsome. Brave my horn!

EVERYONE rushes into the CAVES. The scary MONSTER shuts the door behind them.

SAM: Oh, he's the doorman.

GANDALF: Well, let's follow the yellow brick road!

MERRY: Where is the yellow brick road? I can't see it!

**A/N: Well, here it is at last mateys! There's a lot of dialogue, but at least it's finished.**


	32. Journey in the Dark

**A/N: First of all, no reviews for the last chapter. That kind of made me irritated. Secondly, school's being a bitch this year, so updates will be sporadic. I just got a laptop for my birthday, so now I'm more available to type up chapter. Finally, (this is very important) are there any Harry Potter fans out there that would beta-read my Harry Potter stories? I'm getting all my stories beta-read now except the parodies of course. Let me know if you would like to be a beta-reader for me. I'd appreciate it. I don't know when this chapter will actually be up, but I do know that exams are next week, so it may be Friday or Saturday.**

**Journey In The Dark**

The FELLOWSHIP is walking. Life must've been a bitch back in the old days. No cars, no airplanes. Just feet and little ponies named BILL.

GANDALF spots a shimmering substance in the WALLS. He strokes it lovingly.

GANDALF: Mithril!

He LIGHTS HIS STAFF and shows everyone a CHASM.

MERRY: Ooh, dark chasm full of death and despair!

PIPPIN: No, don't do that. You might fall to your death, and then where would I go to for comic relief?

MERRY: Well, there's always Sam.

PIPPIN STARES AT MERRY.

PIPPIN: You have _got _to be joking.

SAM: Oi!

GANDALF continues on, still talking about MITHRIL.

GANDALF: Bilbo had a shirt of mithril, which is basically like saying that he had a shirt of diamonds. That one guy from _The Hobbit _video game that nobody cares about gave it to him.

GIMLI: I'm jealous. I wasn't in that game. My father was though, and he talked about me. He told Bilbo that he reminded him of me; I was insulted.

GANDALF GLARES AT GIMLI. GIMLI GULPS.

GANDALF: I never told him, but it was worth a lot of money. I mean, it was worth more than the Shire, which basically means that I'm shallow because I think that diamonds are better than the precious Earth.

ARAGORN: Precious _Middle-Earth _you might say.

GANDALF SCOWLS AT ARAGORN. EVERYONE is STEALING his SCREEN TIME.

FRODO is HAPPY.

FRODO: Woo-hoo. I'm secretly wearing the Mithril shirt right now, which means I'm rich! I'm gonna sell it on E-Bay!

MEANWHILE, they're STILL MOVING. PIPPIN nearly KILLS MERRY with his bad CLIMBING ABILITIES.

MERRY: Oi! Watch it you dunderhead!

MORE CLIMBING.

BOROMIR: We're actually climbing the same bit of rock over and over again.

SAM: That's a trademark of these movies.

GANDALF: I have no memory of this place.

FRODO: Couldn't you have just said, "We're lost!"

MERRY: I'm LOST.

FRODO: You don't count. Shut up.

MERRY: You're going off my buddy list, Frodo.

Because LEGOLAS hasn't been mentioned yet, he is busy maintaining his HAIRSTYLE.

LEGOLAS: I can feel it slipping.

MERRY and PIPPIN proceed to have a hushed argument about being LOST, but since they're "whispering", we "can't hear them."

PIPPIN: Oi! MERRY! ARE WE LOST?!?!?!?!?!

MERRY: HOW THE HECK SHOULD I KNOW? I'M NOT THE TOUR GUIDE!

PIPPIN: I THINK WE ARE!

MERRY: You had me at "I think."

MEANWHILE, FRODO is next to GANDALF, because he is too COOL and IMPORTANT to be hanging out with the rest of the FELLOWSHIP.

GANDALF: What are you doing up here, Frodo?

FRODO: I don't know.

GANDALF: Go away, then. You need an excuse to talk to me.

FRODO POUTS.

FRODO: Can it be a made up excuse?

GANDALF: Sure.

FRODO: Ok. Something's down there.

GANDALF: Well, I know _that. _Rocks, and blackness, and death and despair, and despair and death.

FRODO: Um, hello, excuse?

GANDALF: Oh! Well, let's just say it's Gollum.

GOLLUM is seen CREEPING about.

GOLLUM: I'm in shadow because they're not sure how I'm going to look yet, but when I surface again, I'll have been apart of Extreme Makeover along with Captain Jack, so I'll have a brand new image.

MEANWHILE, BACK WITH THE NON-CGI ELEMENTS…

GANDALF: Gollum has been following us for three days.

FRODO: And…you didn't try to get rid of him because….

GANDALF: He may have a role to play for good or for ill. Pity stayed your Uncle's hand.

FRODO: Not in the video game. In the game, Bilbo was just like, "A ring! I'm going to steal it!" So he did, and then Gollum was all "My PRECIOUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" That was the end of Gollum.

By this time, GANDALF is getting sick of VIDEO GAME REFERENCES.

GANDALF: Frodo, it is time you learned the difference between dreams and reality.

FRODO: And this comes from you, sitting here in a _wizard's hat _and quoting Harry Potter.

SUDDENLY, GANDALF SEEMS TO REMEMBER WHERE TO GO.

GANDALF: It is that way! Things would be so much easier if this road was made of yellow brick.

They go down random STAIRS. Apparently, they don't smell as bad as the rest of the set…erm, mines.

The FELLOWSHIP reach DWARROWDELF and look around in wonder, although I PERSONALLY can't see what's so wonderful about it. NEITHER CAN SAM.

SAM: I don't get it. This is a "city" but there's nothing but pillars. Some city. Psh.

**A/N: Ok, so, a few mentions on this scene. There are several references to **_**The Hobbit**_**. That's a fun video game, but frustrating as hell. The reason I said that nobody cares about Thorin's character is that he's terribly rude. While everybody was amazingly funny, (except for Bofur, he was a jerk. He made me find firewood for him, and then I fell down this thing, and after a terribly difficult level, all he had to say for himself was 'well, I see you've managed to get the firewood. I could've smacked him) Thorin was always **_**yelling **_**at me for like, no reason. You may have noticed that I constantly make nods to the television show **_**LOST. **_**This time, I also made a nod to **_**Doctor **__**Who**_** that**** was the Extreme Makeover with Captain Jack bit, which was in the **_**DW **_**episode **_**Bad Wolf. **_**Then there's **_**Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. **_**So, that's it for my Author's Note, except PLEASE review this time. If you're a Doctor Who fan and you're a Doctor/Rose shipper, please read my story **_**Dance With Us**_**, and respond to my plea for a Harry Potter beta-reader.**


	33. Balin's Tomb pt 1

**A/N: I'm back. Happy Thanksgiving/Black Friday, considering Thanksgiving was last night. Ugh, I just re-read my latest chapter of this parody. It irritated my soul. Let's try a different direction, shall we?**

**Balin's Tomb**

The FELLOWSHIP is LOST. Of course they are. MEN (or any creature MASCULINE) never ASK for DIRECTIONS.

In the MIDST of being LOST, GIMLI notices something…ODD.

GIMLI: ZOMG! A library!

GANDALF: Wait, Gimli, that's not a libr-!

GIMLI: Wait, why are there dead bodies in here? The books can't be _that _dull…can they?

PIPPIN, who was never one for READING, turns up his NOSE.

PIPPIN: Speak for yourself.

GIMLI BREAKS DOWN in front of a RANDOM TOMB with HEAVENLY LIGHT shining down upon its rather bleak SURFACE.

THE HOBBITS: Are confuzzled at this random display of emotion from a Dwarf.

GANDALF deciphers the GRAFFITI upon the RANDOM TOMB.

GANDALF: Here lies…hang on…I've got it. Just let me…

He whips out a pair of half-moon spectacles.

GANDALF: Ah! Here lies Bilbo Son of Fortuna-

FRODO: What?!?!?!

GANDALF: Hm, you're right. That isn't right.

He RUBS at a SMUDGE upon the RANDOM TOMB.

GANDALF: Ah! Here lies Balin Son of Fundin.

FRODO: Much better.

GIMLI: Sniffle. Not really. I'd prefer a Hobbit to a Dwarf's demise any day.

LEGOLAS decides to speak up for the first time.

LEGOLAS: My people would prefer a Dwarf to a Hobbit's demise any day.

ARAGORN: How's that for a comeback?

LEGOLAS is too VAIN to see SARCASM for what it really is.

GANDALF, oblivious to the hatred brewing around him, picks up a book and begins to READ.

GANDALF: _So, I totally wanted a fish for dinner. I am, after all, a smelly, manly Dwarf. But Balin, Lord of Moria, was all, nooooooo, we need to conserve the creatures of the Lake! I mean, since when do we care about…plants and ecosystems and things like that. Whatever. So, I got mad at Balin. He's dead now. His betrayal of me made him die of shame-_

There is a tremendous CRASH. PIPPIN looks guilty.

PIPPIN: That story was _lame._

GANDALF: Fool of a Took!

AUDIENCE: Yay!

A DRUMBEAT IS HEARD

BOROMIR: Here come the drums!

FELLOWSHIP: …

**Sorry for the surprise ending. I just wanted this up. I'll post the rest soon though. Promise. I'm going to try a post every week.**


	34. Balin's Tomb pt 2

**Just for clarification: not mine. Sadly.**

**Balin's Tomb Part Two**

Amidst the drumbeat, FRODO pulls out his handy dandy sword, STING.

STING: Glow, glow, glow. Shimmer. Glow.

SAM: Frodo!

FRODO: Sam, Sting's glowing, not me, so why say my name?

SAM: Because who on Middle-Earth names their sword.

Meanwhile, on the side of the room with all the good-looking men (Elves, Men), THINGS are happening.

LEGOLAS: The Orcs are coming to mess up my perfectly shiny hair!

ARAGORN is barking ORDERS.

ARAGORN: Slam the doors! Wedge them!

BOROMIR is barking ORDERS of his own.

BOROMIR: Put your left foot in, you put your left foot out. Put it in the middle and shake it all-

GIMLI: About time we got a proper bloodbath! Arrgh!

GIMLI thinks he's a PIRATE.

A torturous GROAN is heard.

BOROMIR: ZOMG! They've got a _cave troll_.

GANDALF: As opposed to a mountain troll.

MERRY: What's the difference?

PIPPIN: Well, obviously, my dear, yet slow, Meriadoc, cave trolls inhabit caves, and mountain trolls inhabit mountains.

LEGOLAS: Actually, cave trolls typically look for random once great cities, such as Dwarrowdelf, and mountain trolls inhabit bathrooms, such as the girl's bathroom at Hogwarts.

Because the FELLOWSHIP isn't very good at locking doors (or perhaps because the doors are hundreds of years old), the ORCS (GOBLINS to be specific) break down the doors.

ORCS (GOBLINS): Yaaaerrgh!

ARAGORN: YAAAAAAH!

BOROMIR: YEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

GIMLI: GRRRRRR!

GANDALF: UUUUGGH!

LEGOLAS: Restrained battle cry!

HOBBITS: Meep.

The BATTLE commences with lots of hackage, bombardage, goreage, and cleavage. The FELLOWSHIP fight bravely.

SAM: I beat you with my soup ladle! Beat! Beat! Beat!

MERRY and PIPPIN: We stone you!

CAVE TROLL: Grughlhlapncaeg!

SAM: Meep!

CAVE TROLL promptly destroys BALIN'S TOMB, and GIMLI does a comical FLYING LEAP. In other places minus the CAVE TROLL, BOROMIR is about to be clobbered by an ORC (GOBLIN) with a dramatic pause. ARAGORN chucks his SWORD into the ORC (GOBLIN)'s neck, and he DIES.

BOROMIR: Damn. Now I'm going to have to owe him a favor.

FRODO is hiding behind a pillar.

FRODO: If I close my eyes, the ginormous cave troll can't see me, even when he's staring me in the face. Like now! Eep!

CAVE TROLL: Mlsousdolkjlajlsjlm!

FRODO panics and tries (and fails) to escape. As his last hope, he calls for help.

FRODO: HEEEEELLLLLP!!!!!!

ARAGORN: To the rescue! I will save you, little Halfling!

ARAGORN commences in rescuing, except he fails. FRODO is on his own.

FRODO: Honestly, what's the point of a Fellowship if they're all going to fail horribly?

The CAVE TROLL takes a rusty spear and stabs FRODO.

FRODO: Ow.

The FELLOWSHIP commence in slow motion horror and revenge fighting.

SAM: I beat you with my spatula!

MERRY and PIPPIN: Gravel attack!

LEGOLAS: Sigh. Arrow.

CAVE TROLL dies.

CAST OF LOTR: That was really sad.

AUDIENCE and FELLOWSHIP: No.

The FELLOWSHIP grieves for FRODO in slow motion.

ARAGORN: He might have a spinal injury. I'll turn him over, shall I?

FRODO is NOT DEAD!

FRODO: I'm not dead! Allow me to flash my conveniently unbuttoned shirt for you!

SAM: Stroke, stroke, stroke.

ARAGORN: Who wants buffalo meat?

**Yay! Next chapter might be up next weekend.**


	35. The Bridge of Khazad Dum

**Okay, so it's been three years since my last post. Go me. I'm actually still pretty active, just not at this particular site. Visit my actual homepage that you can find on my profile if you're ever wondering where I am. I was browsing through this profile the other day and all the unfinished fics really hurt to look at, so I'm slowly but surely working through them, even though most are Doctor Who and I don't even read Doctor Who fanfiction anymore. But here, if anyone's still interested, have another chapter.**

**Chapter 35: Khazad-Dum**

All the manly, heterosexual CHEST-TOUCHING is interrupted by the tolling of DRUMS.

GANDALF: Well, this has been fun and all, but we have to make it to the Bridge of Khazad-Dum. Let's go!

The FELLOWSHIP STARES at him blankly.

MERRY: Um, can you lead the way?

GANDALF: You guys would be totally helpless without me, wouldn't you?

The FELLOWSHIP NODS.

GANDALF: Alright, everybody join hands and march in a single file line behind me.

He leads the way out of Balin's Tomb. Or, the room where the tomb is. I doubt the entire FELLOWSHIP would fit in a tomb made for a dwarf. They set an ORDERLY pace, striding through the EMPTY HALLS, holding hands like GOOD LITTLE BOYS. The procession is halted by what seems to be THOUSANDS OF SPIDERS on the columns. LEGOLAS FREAKS OUT.

LEGOLAS: OH MY GOD IT'S A SPIDER! OR A MILLION SPIDERS I DON'T KNOW! WHAT IF THEY MESS UP MY HAIR?

GANDALF takes his SAFETY TORCH, otherwise known as his WALKING STICK, which he rarely uses for ACTUAL WALKING, and LIGHTS UP the area.

GIMLI: Good news, Elf. It's not a million spiders. It's a million goblin orc things.

LEGOLAS breathes a sigh of RELIEF.

LEGOLAS: Whew. Goblin monster thingies I can deal with. I can shoot them. Can't shoot spiders, unless they're ten feet tall. Which, considering we live in Middle-Earth, any spiders we encounter probably _will be _ten feet tall.

ARACHNOPHOBES IN THE AUDIENCE AKA ME: Okay, seriously, stop talking now.

BOROMIR: Oh, hey, someone else must live down here, because there is totally a campfire going on at the end of the hall.

At the end of the HALL, there is the FLICKERING of flames against stone. Not necessarily a campfire, but BOROMIR is not too bright. One good thing about the orangey firey glow is that it scares the goblin orc things back to the cracks in the ceiling from whence they came because goblin orc things, much like spiders, are afraid of fire. Unlike GANDALF, who is so comforted by the presence of fire and IMMINENT DEATH that he FALLS ASLEEP. Or maybe it's just because he's OLD.

ARAGORN: Um, Gandalf? Hello? Gandaaaaaalf… ugh, where are those obnoxious war drums when you need 'em?

GANDALF snorts himself awake.

GANDALF: What are you idiots waiting for? RUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.

The FELLOWSHIP begins to RUN, all MAGICALLY KNOWING THE WAY. They run through a DOOR and down some STEPS. BOROMIR, who is in FRONT, nearly runs OFF the STAIRS, which brings up two points of INTEREST. 1) Whoever was in charge of STAIR BUILDING at MORIA should have been fired if they were going to leave the job HALF-ASSED like that, and 2) if Lord of the Rings was a horror movie, Boromir would be the blonde chick who died first. Luckily, he is saved by LEGOLAS and his heterosexual chest-grabbing. If Lord of the Rings was a horror movie, LEGOLAS would be the bitchy blonde who dies mid-bitch.

The FELLOWSHIP gathers on the landing of the STAIRS.

GANDALF: Aragorn! Go ahead of me!

ARAGORN: But Gandalf, I don't know the way! What are you planning on doing? Fetching a pail of water?

GANDALF, aware of this plot hole, SHOVES ARAGORN.

GANDALF: Do as I say! Respect your elders!

The FELLOWSHIP continues down the stairs. LEGOLAS leaps down the stairs instead of running like a normal person. Probably because he's NOT a normal person. They encounter a GAP in some STAIRS. LEGOLAS, being a SHOW OFF, LEAPS across the gap, his HAIR flowing behind him. He WHIPS his HAIR behind him, because he's WORTH IT. And beckons to GANDALF. Less GRACEFULLY, GANDALF JUMPS across the GAP like the WIZARD he is. A GOBLIN ORC THING begins SHOOTING ARROWS at the FELLOWSHIP. LEGOLAS fires an ARROW into his HEAD. The GOBLIN ORC THING, along with the ARROW, and, presumably, the MINI-CAM that was attached to the ARROW, plummet to the BOTTOMLESS PITS of MORIA.

On the STAIRS, BOROMIR grabs MERRY and PIPPIN like two FOOTBALLS and PUNTS them ACROSS the GAP.

BOROMIR: Hike!

ARAGORN grabs SAM and throws him like a FRISBEE across the GAP. BOROMIR catches him like the HOBBIT-COLLECTOR we know he is. GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL.

ARAGORN then goes for GIMLI, who proclaims proudly that :

GIMLI: Nobody tosses a dwarf!

Thank you, comedy relief dwarf. Unfortunately, the COMIC RELIEF has legs too STUBBY to reach the end of the widening GAP, and LEGOLAS saves GIMLI with a rope made from his own BEARD.

ARAGORN and FRODO are the only ones left on the wrong side of the GAP. Instead of JUMPING, ARAGORN decides they should WAIT and HOPE that the STAIRS don't just FALL SIDEWAYS. Luckily, due, I'm sure, to MIDDLE EARTH PHYSICS, they ride the STAIRS safely into the arms of BOROMIR and LEGOLAS. It's all very HETEROSEXUAL.

Having made it safely across the GAP of STAIRS (which took far longer than the ACTUAL BRIDGE. So long, in fact, that I used to BELIEVE that BRIDGE was just a euphemism for STAIRS), the FELLOWSHIP continues down the HALL, now pursued by the CAMPFIRE from EARLIER.

MERRY: Hurry! It's the ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN! ON FIRE!

The FELLOWSHIP sort of JOGS across the BRIDGE. The BRIDGE could really use some GUARDRAILS. In case GIMLI casually PUSHED PAST LEGOLAS. GANDALF stops halfway ACROSS THE BRIDGE.

FRODO: Gandalf! You're going the wrong way.

GANDALF and the ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN ON FIRE WHATEVER WE KNOW IT'S A BALROG SO LETS CALL IT THAT have a STARE DOWN.

GANDALF: YOU SHALL NOT !

BALROG: Lol, bitch. Whipslap.

The BRIDGE breaks. Rocks fall, Gandalf dies. For the rest of the movie, anyway.

After much tragic SCREAMING, the FELLOWSHIP (minus one)leaves MORIA. SLOWLY. The would have been gone five minutes ago if they weren't moving in SLO-MO. All the manly men fall over each other and hug and cry and cry and hug and it is all very sad. And heterosexual. ARAGORN, heartless bastard that he is orders them to GET OFF THEIR ASSES and get on with the MOVIE.

FRODO and his ONE PERFECT TEAR agrees.


End file.
